Adjusting to Life's transitions

It's been over 3 years since I wrote and today I was sitting and reflecting on life. I felt inspired to start writing, so forgive the grammatical and spelling errors I'm sure I will have. I just want to allow myself time to just type and release what my thoughts are as well as provide some helpful hints. I was wondering what are some best practices to adjusting to my current transitions I'm experiencing. I have been fortunate to learn alot about the benefit of taking time to sit with my feelings. Sitting with how I feel about different aspects of my life helps me to slow down my response so that I decide from a place of thoughtfulness and of course being well informed. One of my personal goals is that I am not reactionary to life as it happens. Of course that takes practices and I am not always successful in achieving that goal. 

Ok, so why am I writing after such a long hiatus. Well, because I have encountered many new life experiences, writing will aid in my own coping of my reality and I feel inspired. I am encountering multiple major life changes and felt like writing for someone other than myself. I'm also in a position (professionally and personally) assisting others to identify healthy methods of coping with the adjustments life often presents or is presenting. So where do we start? How does one begin to make sense of the twist and turns our life journeys may entail? Well after reading a few articles and reflecting I decided to share a few things that could help. 

• Be present and recognize - whether wanted or unwanted recognize that change is an expected part of the human experience. Embracing the reality of what is happening helps to keep us grounded in what is. Unfortunately with the easy access of AI and digital access it's convenient for us to escape what is real. It is important to address change, because whether we like it or not it happens. How does remaining present benefit? It is to our advantage to begin mentally processing what is happening in an effort to properly adjust.  
• Quiet your mind - Typically a rush of irrational thoughts and/or panic is the onset reaction when abrupt change occurs. Change will disrupt rational thought process even when it is expected. A healthy way of engaging and calming irrational thinking is to quiet your mind. This can be done through multiple ways; such as taking a break, listening to soothing instrumental music, taking a walk, grounding exercises or guided meditation. Our thought process is the main catalyst in how we manage our reality. I can't express enough how essential it is to control your thoughts during difficult changes. I have personally found walking in nature to be relaxing.  
• Alter your perspective - Dr. Maya Angelou once stated that "If you can't change it, change your attitude"  According to some of the research the negative perception around change can be more debilitating than the actual change. Focus on the positive! Allow yourself some grace during these times; we aren't always kind to ourselves especially when we don't appear to accept change as well as others. If what is happening to you is out of your control be kind to yourself and allow yourself some time to receive with what the new normal may be. Take time to look at what is happening from a different perspective, this helps with welcoming the transition. 
• Talk it out - Yes, I'm a social worker so of course I'm an advocate of therapy! I'm also an advocate of speaking to someone that will offer a listening ear, a safe space and if desired wise counsel. What's important about talking it out in a safe space, is it allows you the opportunity to release possible frustration, express any fears and potentially identify irrational thoughts. We don't always need a solution but a space to be heard. The release of any anxiety for what's to come actually provides room for acceptance. Take the time to find a safe space to talk it out.   

There are times we see change coming and we still aren't quite ready for what life will become. Even in the midst of chaos seeing the light at the end of the tunnel does not always give a sense of relief. Letting go and adjusting to reality, is a scary notion for many. However our the benefit to adjusting to life's transitions outweigh fighting against the inevitable. I think Borg said "resistance is futile" so let's choose to adjust and live free. 

Your Life, Your Choice!

I Got Married and Moved to California!!

Life comes at you fast even when you plan the events! Let me share just how overwhelming my 2021 has been due to multiple major life changes. Ok in May 2021 the twins graduated high school making me an empty nester. I really didn't have time to feel my feelings about that because later in that same month I graduated with my Master's degree. It was an exciting month and we celebrated the accomplishments together. To be honest there wasn't any time to be sad about an empty house because I was in the middle of putting the finishing touches on my destination wedding. There was also the added stress of relocating to California. My future husband and I spent a lot of time working on the logistics of relocating that our focus was prioritized by dates. Labor day was the set weekend to leave Nebraska and the second weekend in November was our wedding date/trip!! 

We had a wonderful experience with our 43 guest that joined us and help made our day a joyous memory! Our time on the island was exquisite and filled with laughter. God blessed us with His seal of approval, I shared a shot of an amazing rainbow that appeared over our wedding structure. I did love every moment of our special day and happy to share a few shots from our stunning island wedding destination. 

Here's a great shot by the photographer capture before the moment my groom turned around to see me:

This is one of my FAVORITE shots of us and the Kids!! Ya'll see how much my kids have grown: 

This is a shot from a different angle the photographer suggested:

This is US seated at our table for the reception!

Ya'll ain't about to tell me that's not a Money shot!!

How gorgeous are these grounds

We spent an entire day on a beach side cabana and took in every moment: 

This selfie we took the moment after we said I do! 

 I will never forget how happy and giddy we were in this room after our nuptial. We made sure to sit in our moment and take the time to love GOD for all that He provided. All of our dreams and prayers have been answered. He's protected our love and covered our relationship. Unsolicited advice alert: Go live the life you want....don't allow society or people to tell you how to live YOUR life!

Live Free and Be Courageous!!

Who's drawing your lines?

"When you write the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen", this most definitely includes boundaries. I recently did a short series on stressing the importance of boundaries, diving into identifying what healthy boundaries look like, types of boundaries and defining boundaries. Another focus was to recognize how abandoning self, displays a lack of boundaries in our lives. For instance, avoiding  uncomfortable situations, absence of self-care rituals or the inability to say "no". Our goal should be doing what's necessary for us to maintain positive energy within ourselves through the lines we draw. So who's drawing your lines? Family? Friends? Social media? Peer pressure? Take a moment to think about what is motivating your actions, this will assist you in validating that your motives are indeed, yours!

What I found personally helpful is making sure I communicate my thoughts and feelings clearly as it relates to my boundaries. Stating my boundaries helps me professionally and personally, because it removes assumptions. Take a moment to think about the last time you assumed someone knew your boundaries and they didn't, how did that work out? We do ourselves and loved ones a disservice when we don't clearly identify boundaries. This does not have to be a difficult conversation, if we respect each other enough to listen. I've stated before how important to me being "heard" is, because for many years I allowed someone to take my voice away. This has now become a boundary for me, I need to be heard because I will take the time to listen. I no longer expect others to know, I am sure to state it prior to beginning a conversation if the person is unfamiliar. I draw my own lines. 

It is important that we feel equal and understand that your voice matters, so draw the line. Asking for what you want, such as negotiating your salary, draw the line. Understanding that your happiness is your responsibility so draw the line! Being comfortable with saying no and placing yourself first, draw the line. Healthy boundaries are extremely important and key to maintaining the proper self-care. Drawing the lines in your life is solely your responsibility and so is who you allow to hold the pen. 

Be Strong & Live Free!! 

Article on setting boundaries:

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

How valuable is your time?

Learning a lesson happens when you are prepared and freely willing to receive what’s being shared.  “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” I find this quote to be liberating and invigorating because it reveals that upon an inner awakening one acquires an essential key to better living practices. It is in due time that we learn how to heal, grow, release and mature when ready. I’ve reached the time in my life that being mindful of my time and skillfully managing it has assisted personal growth. It’s only taken me about 40 years to fully comprehend the true essence of what time is, where to limit it, recognize why time should be valued and when to treasure it. 

Read this: “We grieve for time’s passing, but do not respect it in the present. We want it back after it is gone, but ignore it when it is here. We do not properly value it.  Money can be built back up if we spend it all, and yet we value it more than our time, which could run out at any moment. By knowing deep within ourselves that time is a finite resource, we can start to give it value. What will you do with your next hour? What would you do differently if you knew it was your last hour?” Far too often we only recognize time’s value when it’s loss. We don’t seize opportunities due to being wasteful, unproductive or allowing others to apply their limitation. Understanding that the more time you waste the less time you have for achievement (moving forward). Valuing time also helps us in being productive and effective in our pursuit to greater heights.

How valuable is your time? Let’s consider the time allowed to be consumed by negative and/or toxic energy. Far too often individuals make the statement “my time is valuable” and yet they consistently waste time consumed in gossip, arguing, holding a grudge, being mean spirited, procrastinating etc. In the past I can recall allowing myself to be drawn into madness and accepting all kinds of invitations to petty parties. During this journey of self-improvement I’ve learned to place value on time in general. Currently, I spend time wisely by doing fun or adventurous things with those that I love. I am intentional in being mindful so that I am productive with my day. Unfortunately, this wasn't always the case for me, as I allowed time to be wasted. Take a moment to consider how valuable is your time? Do you think about how you spend it as much as you think about how you spend your money? Start tracking how you are spending your time, it will began to explain where you are in life. Succeeding in our goals or making dreams a reality relies heavily on good time management. Time is your most valuable asset and your next level in life is determined by your value of time.

One Word Theme – FOCUS

2019 brings in another opportunity to either readjust or start a new path. We don’t necessarily have to wait for the New Year to begin anew, because every day we are given brand new mercies to start again. I love the idea of starting each year off with a motivating word that sparks the inner flame and propels me into action. I believe that it is equally important to use a one word theme as the central point to draw from it helps encourage me to remain diligent on the course of self-improvement, enlightenment and living my best life.

“You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks” – Winston Churchill. Thus my one word theme this year is FOCUS! If there is ever a time in my life that I need to readjust and realign my thoughts on my goals it’s now. I took the time to “Embrace” all that was coming my way in 2017 and in 2018 I was sure to “Celebrate” all of those accomplishments. This year I begin the third stage in my five stage long term goals and it requires my complete focus. I anticipate distractions, hell I’ve had several while writing these short paragraphs however I refuse to allow every distraction to hinder my progression. If I am aiming to achieve what I've set before me then not every "dog that barks" will be worth my time.   

My main focus is to remain focus on the objectives I created and formatting a strategy on obtaining them. I know that staying focus can be tough with the constant distractions and nuances each day presents. I, personally had to train myself not to reach for my phone in the mornings, but intentionally say a prayer or words of affirmation. That change has assisted me in setting the pace to a positive start to my day. My definition of being successful is accomplishing the goals I set for myself and that can only be done through dedication and concentration.

Practicing mindfulness has helped me to improve in multiple areas, such as controlling my emotions, calming down and being present. Mindfulness is about focus and training your cognitive abilities to be present in the moment. So much of what we encounter can be a deterrent that if one isn’t careful can easily be lead astray. I’m currently nurturing a positive space and that alone is compelling me to concentrate my focus this year on continued personal growth. I was reading an article titled “Improve Your Concentration” by the mind tools content team, in early 2018, the article was so helpful, I saved it. Here is an excerpt I thought could be useful:

Follow some of these guidelines to help focus your mind:

·        Set aside time to deal with worries – Many of us have trouble concentrating during the day because we're constantly worrying about other things. It could be an approaching deadline for a project you haven't started, a new colleague who's causing problems, or just the amount of work on your desk. If you find yourself distracted by worries, then note these down so that you don't need to hold them in your mind. Then schedule time to deal with these issues.

·        Focus on one task at a time – It can be much harder to focus if you take minibreaks (15–30 seconds) to answer emails, send text messages, or take quick phone calls. Some researchers believe that it can take up to 15 minutes for us to regain complete focus after a distraction.

·        Close your email inbox and chat program – Let your voicemail do its job. If your office allows it, close your office door or put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign to let colleagues know you need to focus. (If you're a manager and you want to operate an open door policy, then consider working from home or from elsewhere for times when you need to focus.)

·        Switch between high- and low-attention tasks – This can give your brain a rest after heavy concentration. For instance, if you spend two hours working on your department's budget, you'll probably feel tired afterward. You can recharge your energy by working on a low-attention task, like filing, for 15 minutes before going back to your budget.

·        Prioritize – Having too much to do can be distracting, and this sometime causes procrastination. Or, you may quickly jump from task to task, creating the illusion of work – but in reality, you're not accomplishing very much. If you're not sure which tasks to start or which are most important, take 10 or 15 minutes to prioritize your To-Do List. Our article Overcoming Procrastination can also help.

I thought why reinvent the wheel, when I can just share good advice that I've used and rendered good results. The article is filled with more constructive tips, if you are interested in the entire article the link is below. I’m sending out positive energy to everyone reading this because I want you to go out and live your life on your terms! Be Courageous!! Live Free and FOCUS on being a better YOU!!!

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_78.htm

Life Lesson on Overcoming Self-doubt

Today for Monday Motivation, I wanted to repost my reflection on an assignment I completed four years ago. The lesson I learned about myself and overcoming self-doubt were valuable and timeless, so I thought I’d repost the story:

“In my Interpersonal Relationship class I had to do a presentation on resolving conflicts. We were given two nights to present on the first night there was a guy in class who did an amazing job on his verbal and nonverbal communication presentation using an interactive PowerPoint with the audience. Instantly I could sense my overly competitive nature wanting and “needing” to do a better job. I decided to scrap the idea I had initially and come up with something better for the following week my presentation was due. After a few days of brainstorming I came up with the grand idea to do a puppet show. I had previously been nervous with thinking out of the box however settled on doing my presentation via a skit I would write and to be “acted” out by sock puppets, I’d make! Unfortunately, as the time drew nigh I became overwhelmed with fear that I was near tears thinking the presentation would not be received well. I began to believe I would fail. However, I did it anyway, I presented “Pat&Ollie Resolving Interpersonal Conflict” and to my pleasant surprise the show went over extremely well with everyone. I also received extra points for the most creative presentation! *victory dance* I’m sharing because I was nervous and unsure of myself and I almost held myself back from at least trying due to fear. What I learned in that moment of accomplishment was I know sometimes we defeat ourselves before we even take the first step. We create the failure through quitting. My take away is when trying something NEW embrace the fear but do it anyway! It’s ok to be afraid just don’t let it hinder you from thinking outside the box or going after being your best self. #YouAreStrongerthanYouKnow”

I hope today you decide to go after whatever it is you’ve allowed fear to stop you from doing. Time is fleeting if you wait too long……it’ll be gone.  

Live Free!! Be Courageous...

The True Defeat

At first glance what does this meme say to you? No really look at it and take a moment to think about it and respond to self. Honestly speaking did you see yourself as the dog or the eagle? How did the situation end? Where were you, mentally when it ended? I saw this meme on social media and was drawn to it because this picture depicted what I see on social media whenever I log in. The amount of energy people use to spread negative and hateful messages is astounding. I call it self-destructive behavior because well essentially it truly only hurts self. (I’ll refer back to the meme as “exhibit A”) This type of self-destructive behavior can be seen in the passive-aggressive and aggressive form.   

Okay so we’ve heard the sayings, "If you dig one ditch you better dig two because the trap you set may just be for you" or how about "holding on to anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"? For the believers the bible states in Proverbs 26:27, “Whoever digs a pit will fall into it; if someone rolls a stone, it will roll back on them.” In my estimation, the true defeat in revenge returns to the hand that dealt it. I often use social media as an observation tool to help me pinpoint patterns in human behavior, test theories and make general assessments. Personally I had to reevaluate my own social media interaction and retain a better handle on being triggered and responding to negativity. A few years ago as I engaged in a war of words with a complete stranger and I remember thinking “What am I gaining?” I believe that question is vital to the individual that actively seeks revenge.

Vengeance is a monster of appetite, forever bloodthirsty and never filled.—Richelle E. Goodrich

It’s like chasing waterfalls, an intangible dream with no thought of the consequences. Take one look at the dog in “exhibit A” and we can see how that scenario will end. Please don't invest a lot of time and energy chasing issues, situations and people that are beyond your control. You can be more productive resolving personal concerns and concentrating on self-improvement help in the betterment of your daily living.  

Revenge can only be found on the road to self-destruction.—Wayne Gerard Trotman

If you are not careful the essence of who you are can be consumed and damaged. So many people are never able to notice how deep the pit they are in is until hopelessness and loneliness appears. The dog is so obsessed with snatching the eagle out the sky, he’s lost sight of the road….well the lack thereof. So tell me, why aren’t you more important to YOU than the person/situation you’re after? Note: non-verbal (actions) supersede the verbal (words).

Revenge is not worthy of you. If you concentrate on revenge, you will keep those wounds fresh that would otherwise have healed.—Adeline Yen Mah
Healing is a response to an injury this sets into motion a sequence of events to restoration, physically and emotionally. I read that there are basically four phases to the healing process as it pertains to the physical. I won’t go in-depth because the research is for an analogy I’m using on another blog but dammit it’s fitting so I will use some information. Ok so the four phases a wound goes through are: the hemostasis, inflammatory phase, proliferation phase, and maturation. There are absolutely no suggestions made that one should pick over the wound, pour salt in it or consistently stare at said wound. The phases show how the body identifies what’s going on, takes action essential to fixing what’s wrong, covers the wound to allow time for it to recover and gain strength. This physical healing process resemble what is necessary for emotional healing.   

The best way to refocus, readjust an attitude and remove a self-destructive cycle after being wounded by life/person/people is to identify, cleanse, learn and apply. Identify what you’re feeling, why and where you are emotionally. Learn what it will take to help you cleanse yourself of negative emotions so that you don’t become consumed. Apply what you’ve learn so that you can eliminate self-destructive behavior releasing revenge for YOU. Why? Because you are more important than what happen to you, or didn’t happen for you. I know how-to steps always sound so simple however I understand all too well that the steps to transforming is the process of improvement. Let’s face it you don't want to be the German Shepard in the picture so consumed with snatching the eagle from the sky that he has lost focus on remaining grounded. He's allowed his pursuit to take him to the edge and possibly his demise. The moment he realizes his surroundings it will be too late and the eagle will continue to do what he/she was born to do, fly higher.

Moral: Be the Eagle, beware of the dogs and don’t be the cause of your own defeat.

Be Strong and Live Free

A Time to TEACH

The twins turned 13 years old back in October. Now while they are still adorably cute to me I had to accept the fact that they are viewed as a threat to society. I honestly believe this is due largely in part to the systematic dehumanization of the black male achieved by the media. A little over a year ago I decided to start conversations with them about how to conduct themselves in the predominately white school they attended. The murders of Trayvon Martin and Tamir Rice sparked a fear inside of me that no mother should ever have to endure.

Our discussions were great and the decision to have them watch the Netflix documentary titled “13^th” took it to another level. Please don’t worry this isn’t a spoiler if you have yet to view “13^th”, so stay with me I have a point. I decided to have the Twins view the documentary so that we can discuss their thoughts, feelings and the questions I prepared. I was surprised at just how involved they were and their response. They were both quite attentive while watching and full of their own questions after the documentary ended. We discussed what the 13^th amendment was, the ramifications of politicians taking advantage of the loopholes in the 13^th amendment and how the media assisted in criminalizing young black men. Their questions were perceptive, earnest and somewhat naïve. It all made for a good eye-opening conversation for us.

The difficulty I had with talking about the systematic oppression people of color experience centered on wanting the twins to retain the innocence of their youth. I mean I didn’t want to tarnish their view of the world they lived in but unfortunately black children aren’t always afforded an extended stay in “naïveté”. It’s a sad truth and the time has come for it to be revealed, explained and discussed. Like many other mothers, want my children to succeed and rise to the level of their greatest potential. This often means making sacrifices, enduring awkward conversations, being open, honest and taking the time out to teach them what social injustice resembles. It is important to balance bringing awareness to them and ensuring that they don’t become jaded. I want them to be proud of their racial identity and respectful of others. I believe that this has to begin with them knowing the history of our people and our country.

I was awaken by the oldest of the twins at about 3am in the morning. He was worried about what he saw in the documentary and he still had questions. He told me “Momma, I can’t stop thinking about that movie and why they think we are all bad.” I assured him that not everyone believed that however there is a system that needs to be altered and was stacked against minorities. What kind of answers do you give a boy that has friends from different races and backgrounds he genuinely likes? How do you soothe the mind of a teen you know has a heart for others? When is there a good time to have these types of discussions? I encouraged him to maintain his friendships, to do his best in making decisions and remain mindful of what his reality is. The truth of the matter is his results won’t be the same as his friends. I had to accept that and in order for me to keep him safe I needed him to do the same. “You are NOT less than, John. Some people are just afraid of allowing others that look like us to be GREAT!”   

I read Dr. Beverly Tatum’s book “Why are all the black kids sitting together in the cafeteria” for a class I was taking. I didn’t realize at the time how timely the material in the book would be for me when talking to the twins. Dr. Tatum shares insight on the impact of racism, racial identity and the lack of addressing racial issues. Reading this book I realized that it’s my duty to address these issues that would affect my kids during their formative years. I also had to prepare myself for the questions they’d have and the uneasiness I was sure to feel. I must admit one of my greatest concerns was to make sure they continued to treat people fairly. I needed them to know that conversations on race are essential in order for there to be an informed understanding of the minority’s reality. Racial biases are formed early and typically are taught. Breaking the silence to talk about race and accepting differences will help to nurture an open mind. I want them to embrace people on the content of character not the color of their skin. I want them to live who they are....embracing all aspect of being Black and American!  

"Don't go in the direction of the dogs."

It is almost impossible to live a life that is unaffected by other people, their attitudes and opinions. If one isn’t diligently careful those negative aspects could shape your perspective, influence decisions and/or behavior. One skill I’ve acquired during my personal growth is the ability to identify when I need to keep my perspectives non-bias and my judgement to a minimum basically sharpen my self-awareness. Unfortunately, I still fall prey to a few blind spots. I'm still vulnerable to being influenced toward ungodly attitudes and negative actions. Just a couple of weeks ago I found myself reacting to negative energy created by someone else due to their foolishness. I typically steer clear of the negativity produced by people who are obviously miserable. However, try as I might I’ve loss some battles. It can be difficult to remain positive when you feel like you're being taken advantage of in some way. 

I added the picture below this paragraph to assist with forming a mental picture to illustrate of my point. The guy in all black represents my life. Essentially it’s me working my hardest to change and alter surroundings, attitude etc as I press forward. The guy in the white jacket represents the presence of negative energy/people working hard to pull me back, notice he has one foot firmly anchored in the “past”. {Side bar; the sad reality is if you don’t remain diligent in creating a positive atmosphere, negativity will cause you to lose more ground than you’ve gained.} The green resistance bands represents “things/mistakes” used to hold me. Now how many times have you personally agonized over past mistakes, poor choices or bad decisions? What good has it done? So why do we continue to allow it to be used in holding us back or slowing us down? The guy in the pink represents the “prize”. What’s the prize? I’m not sure what the prize is for you but for me it represents a place of truly balanced contentment. It’s where anyone can express what they think, how they feel and it does not penetrate my positive atmosphere. I know my “prize” is waiting for me. I can sense that I’m closer already. I’ve noticed how I can allow things to happen without owning or taking it personally. I can not control how people think, feel or what they do. However I must share with you what I have done to continue to ascend.    

Stay focus and maintain my drive to press forward. “It's difficult to see the forest for the trees” don't be so consumed by the details of a problem/conflict you lose sight of the situation as a whole. No one can take from you the joy in your life, the focus you have on healthy living nor the positive direction you are walking. Be attentive to what you entertain if you are not mindful you could give away the peace and positive atmosphere you created. I had to make a conscious decision to cut out negativity through the people I allowed to have a seat at my table, the conversations I participated in and the places I spent time going. There had to be some cutting away in order for there to be an increase. There wasn’t a moment of vacant spaces because God filled every space with positive energy and new opportunities. I shared a dream I had about a stampede of some vicious pitbulls running with a trusted confidant and she offered this advice “Nay, don’t go in the direction of the dogs!” There will be times when you feel like reacting, retaliating or handing out repercussions but none of it will be worth giving up your peace to run with dogs.

  “When they go low we go high!” ~Michelle Obama.

LatriceRenee

Be Strong.....Live Free

Release the Prisoner: Free yourself

The danger of feeding into negativity and the resulting factors have been well documented on a psychological and spiritual level. The only true way to release yourself from the burden of a life of bitterness and dwelling in misery is to actively implement the life changing information readily available. Why do we opt out of using it? Is it easier to hold on to bitterness while denying that it so obviously exist in your life? Bitterness drives so many of us yet we swiftly dispel that notion instead of giving it proper consideration. I mean hell who wants to be labeled as being "bitter", right? I'm going to challenge you to take some time to think about it, no one is around it's just you and your thoughts. If you begin by excluding the time spent on what/who caused the hurt/pain allowing you to only to concentrate on what your reality is, at this present moment. So what happen, happened! It sucks! Refusing to acknowledge acceptance of what has transpired and your present day reality is the seed of bitterness. We can get into what fuels it a little later. What does accepting look like because it’s not just saying “I accept what’s happened to me!” Acceptance resembles release, learning the lesson and growth. If you find that your struggle is covered in negative speech, destructive acting out and constant blame then you are bitter. Acceptance is not your reality. There are other variables that feed into the end result however when you deal with the core of anything your chances of resolving the complete issue becomes inevitable.

The more we hold onto past hurts the more we become drunk on our pain. Repeating the experience can rob us of the joy we could potentially find elsewhere. Again, no one likes to admit that they are bitter or harboring resentment especially if you use so much of your energy trying to convince others that you are not. Unfortunately, what typically happens is you began believing what you’ve said over and over as truth. The façade then  becomes disastrous because you will spend months or years in a private hell due to self deceit. Long lonely tearful nights, many moments of emptiness and feeling unfulfilled daily. I once nurtured bitterness and was well on my way to being consumed. I remember making a choice about 4 years ago to work towards being honest with myself about my feelings and intent. This was for my personal growth not for anyone else, becoming self-aware enriched my life. Once I accepted my reality I knew I also had to figure out how I would then alter and LIVE in it. I realized that the negativity that surrounded me had a lot to do with my choice of allowing it to breath. There would be no relief if I didn’t first suffocate the negative energy and replace it with positive energy and people.  

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison”. ~Nelson Mandela

I always appreciate a quote rich in substance and reality, much can be said for practical advice not just philosophical words. It also helps when the quote assist in proving a valid point. Mr. Mandela understood that if he planned to live out the remaining years of his life happy and effectively that there would be no room for bitterness nor hatred. One of the many lessons he learned while in prison was that a mental and emotional prison is just as restricting as a physical prison. Your pain may be valid but a bitter attitude will only increase YOUR misery. It will drive away potential sources of true support and love. Bitterness will always chase away love in your heart and your life. What’s most unfortunate is the obvious denial of what has taken root and is being nurtured. I’m sorry but it’s not that well hidden. If you are honest with yourself then you’ll see some of these descriptors as being familiar: sad/depressed, angry, hostile, ranting about wrongs, refusing to see self, resentful, dwelling on past wrongs, stubborn, wounded, moody, lashing out at others, carrying emotional baggage, blaming others, stereotyping, scapegoating, agitated, negative, critical, defensive, cultivating grudges, maliciousness and rage. This is what bitterness looks like. How could anyone possibly succeed with moving forward fostering any of these emotions and actions mentioned? One of the first successful steps to healing is identifying the wound. If we take a moment and think about it that would apply to any physical/emotional wound.

When we are hurt, we have a tendency to replay the painful events over and over in our head or tell anyone who will listen about our pain–even over and over again. Now I personally think it’s great to discuss your inner most feelings with a trusted individual or a support group. The trusted individual priorities should be to help you heal from the hurt, facilitate reconciliation if so desired or just encourage the rebuilding of your life. These are all my personal reflections as I’ve had to fight the battle of bitterness to save my own life from decaying. There are a few things I’ve noticed in hindsight, the denial (non-acceptance) and how it kept me tormented and those that were so willing to eagerly watch me suffer. There is only one word of advice I will offer about the latter and that’s beware of those who encourage you to continually sit in a seat of despair amidst bitterness. These individuals do so by making it comfortable and inviting for you to remain tormented disguising their help as “being supportive”. Again, I speak from personal life experience not solely on research. I learned that the pain and heartache I experienced wasn’t going away until I dealt with and accepted what happened. I let go of the idea of “payback” or proving someone wrong. I shifted my focus inward, so I could see me because I had abandoned me like many others. L

Carl Jung stated “the person who looks outward dreams, the person who looks inward awakens.” It wasn’t until I realized that the only true control I had was over myself, I was then able to begin and allow the work needed to fix my heart and mind. At the time, I refused to open my eyes to see what was causing the ongoing heartache. I understand that it’s difficult to admit but I want to share with you in love what those around you may or may not have tried. Or quite possibly you wouldn’t listen. Or maybe you know but decided to subconsciously suppress. The entire purpose for me being transparent in this moment is to honestly tell you, that your life will never get better, that piercing sting will only become more agonizing and you will always be a prisoner if you persist on the path of bitterness.

Break loose and FREE yourself! 

Make a Conscious Effort!

I had a conversation with my kid the other day, and by kid I mean 23 years old, one of the things I’m loving about our relationship is how it’s evolving. I know that the dynamics of our relationship have changed due to us both understanding that we had to let go of our former responsibilities as mother and daughter to embrace our new responsibilities. I would really love to get into my thoughts on the transitions necessary for parents to make so that their children can become successful as an adult. Perhaps I will write about that in the next blog, I pray it doesn’t take months for me to do. Unfortunately my life has been pretty hectic leaving no down time for me to release.

Back to the conversation I had with my kid yesterday about maturing, processing past pain and discovering your place in life. I sensed she was harboring some negative energy in the form of blame toward an individual. I shared with her that if she allowed herself to be consumed by blaming someone else for where she presently is in her life she will always be where she is at this moment. My exact statement was “Instead of recycling that negative energy channel that energy into accepting where you are. Identify what about your life that you don’t like, recognize what changes need to be made and focus on implementing them.” I believe that it is essential that she understands that if she does nothing she will always be stagnant.
 
I realize how absolutely easy it is to blame someone else for what has happen in your life, if they are truly at fault. I also understand complex it can be to move on when you feel like you’ve been mistreated. I personally know how much initial effort and readjusting one has to incorporate into their day-to-day to establish a new attitude or fresh perspective on life. I mean I completely “get it”! {Ya’ll did read the name I titled my blog page right? I didn’t come up with it because it’s catchy. Ok maybe that was part of it, however my point is I’m sharing the advice I am living.} The feelings of despair, isolation and being uncertain are not strangers to me. I refer to really difficult life experience as “climbing out of a pit”, think about just how damn difficult it would be to climb out of a pit. I mean no rope to make it easier, it’s dark and scary. The only way you will survive to embrace sunshine is to put in the necessary work to get out. It can be overwhelming just thinking about it but I challenge you, like I do her to disconnect from that comfort you’ve found in your pain.  

I have this saying I use, mostly when I’m in wonderfully stimulating conversation with my Guy, “Don’t Feed the Monster!” When discussing why a person can’t progress think about what they nurture. What we pay attention to grows, so instead of “feeding” what we don’t want in our lives, starve it by focusing on what you do want! How will you get it? Figure out the logistics, write down a strategy be active in where you want to go. This is what I meant about channeling your energy into being productive for you. Become consumed with being in a better place for you! We know that life is full of choices and we can dwell on what has already happened or we can learn from it. Treating harsh experiences like an old book, by placing it back on the shelf and moving on to life’s next adventure.

 
You have to be your strongest advocate of pressing through adversities and creating a positive happy center for self. Learning to let things and people go so that you can grow won't be easy but it will be worth it. I can testify to that! My 23 year old kid has always had a beautiful caring spirit so its tough observing her learn the lessons only life can teach her. I trust that GOD will continue to do an excellent job of keeping her covered with His grace and mercy. I will give her all that I have but she knows that she must also put in work! I can only take her so far she has to go the rest of the way with Him. She’s becoming more of a beautiful woman inside and out with every discussion and experience. I couldn’t have asked for a better kid than this brown eyed Beauty. Be Strong and Live FREE my darling Pooh!

"Purple Monkey"

Purple Monkey

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” you know even as a young child I knew that this saying was full of shit. It’s truly just something parents tell children to soothe them instead of stating “there are some children in this world who are as ignorant as their parents and I’m sorry you’re hurting because of it.” I mean isn’t that just a little more comforting? Unfortunately, I was teased a lot as a kid for my lighter complexion, wearing glasses and having a bigger than average size forehead. The damage kids do to each other is pretty damn extensive and could take years to recover from but that’s another blog post so I digress. {picture below: me at about 7 years old}

One of the first life lessons I learned many years ago was that conflict resolution actually doesn’t have to involve physical contact, of course this was after I left Detroit. It wasn’t easy embracing this concept due to not learning what to do with feeling “punked” if I allowed someone to say something disrespectful to me and did nothing then I was being “punked”. If it’s one thing black people don’t like is feeling like they’ve been disrespected and looking like a “punk” but again that’s another blog so I digress. Then what is this blog about? Well I was placed in quite the quandary about two week ago and it made me think of the opening quote, hurtful name calling and feeling like a “punk”.   
 

The Incident - During what resembled a mindfulness exercise, I observed as a colleague (my practicum task supervisor) conduct a “grounding” exercise. The colleague stated “feel your surroundings without thought” speaking to the group and after a short pause he stated “think of your favorite animal”. A group participant broke the silence barrier by stating “oh I just thought of a monkey”. I thought it was odd he felt the need to share however, I overlooked the statement as just an outburst. The colleague then continued by stating “now think of your favorite color and favorite animal. Are they the same color?” The colleague took a slight paused then looked over in my direction, looked back and stated “Humph….I just looked at Latrice’s dress and thought “purple monkey”.  I froze internally as I tried processing what he just said….did he really just associate me with a “purple monkey”? I’m a black woman, he’s a white man why would he even think that would be appropriate to say in reference to anyone let alone to someone of African descent.  I retained my professional composure which helped me contain my emotions. I decided it would be best to address the situation instead of leaving the building with my emotions festering. I mentally took the time to calm myself so when I spoke I remain the professional Lady that I am and not the aggressive confrontational “set his ass straight” individual my anger was calling me to be.  After addressing my colleague about the incident, there wasn’t much resolve as a couple of his statements were condescending and he offered a meager apology. Granted I didn’t want him graveling on the floor begging for my forgiveness but a show of sincere remorse would have definitely defused the beast growing within. I probably should have referred him to my last blog on “disarming anger”.

The Aftermath - I experienced a few different emotions and did my best to process them all. I know that I can’t change what has happened but that hasn’t stopped me from wishing it didn’t happen. It was difficult for me to "get over" because the words hurt and the intent was to harm me mentally. I’ve only shared what transpired with those that are essential in the grievance and professional ethics process for my profession. I asked myself "why did the words hurt" I know  they were not true. The words hurt because someone took advantage of me in a vulnerable space by singling me out, embarrassing me and attempting to degrade who I am as a woman! The room was filled with all white men and I was the only woman and person of color. I often wonder why anyone feels the need to hurt others by name calling and I don’t see how that could truly satisfy the insulting individual. 

My Resolve – Thanks to my “thick skin” and excellent conflict resolution skills, I was satisfied with being able to swiftly address the individual in a professional manner which is more than he deserved. I was able to vent a little to my support system and filed the appropriate paperwork with his supervisor. This route gave me the power back he attempt to snatch away. I’m not here for any race baiting because in the end I know we all need each other! And besides there AINT a monkey alive that could look this damn good in a purple dress!!