Adjusting to Life's transitions

It's been over 3 years since I wrote and today I was sitting and reflecting on life. I felt inspired to start writing, so forgive the grammatical and spelling errors I'm sure I will have. I just want to allow myself time to just type and release what my thoughts are as well as provide some helpful hints. I was wondering what are some best practices to adjusting to my current transitions I'm experiencing. I have been fortunate to learn alot about the benefit of taking time to sit with my feelings. Sitting with how I feel about different aspects of my life helps me to slow down my response so that I decide from a place of thoughtfulness and of course being well informed. One of my personal goals is that I am not reactionary to life as it happens. Of course that takes practices and I am not always successful in achieving that goal. 

Ok, so why am I writing after such a long hiatus. Well, because I have encountered many new life experiences, writing will aid in my own coping of my reality and I feel inspired. I am encountering multiple major life changes and felt like writing for someone other than myself. I'm also in a position (professionally and personally) assisting others to identify healthy methods of coping with the adjustments life often presents or is presenting. So where do we start? How does one begin to make sense of the twist and turns our life journeys may entail? Well after reading a few articles and reflecting I decided to share a few things that could help. 

• Be present and recognize - whether wanted or unwanted recognize that change is an expected part of the human experience. Embracing the reality of what is happening helps to keep us grounded in what is. Unfortunately with the easy access of AI and digital access it's convenient for us to escape what is real. It is important to address change, because whether we like it or not it happens. How does remaining present benefit? It is to our advantage to begin mentally processing what is happening in an effort to properly adjust.  
• Quiet your mind - Typically a rush of irrational thoughts and/or panic is the onset reaction when abrupt change occurs. Change will disrupt rational thought process even when it is expected. A healthy way of engaging and calming irrational thinking is to quiet your mind. This can be done through multiple ways; such as taking a break, listening to soothing instrumental music, taking a walk, grounding exercises or guided meditation. Our thought process is the main catalyst in how we manage our reality. I can't express enough how essential it is to control your thoughts during difficult changes. I have personally found walking in nature to be relaxing.  
• Alter your perspective - Dr. Maya Angelou once stated that "If you can't change it, change your attitude"  According to some of the research the negative perception around change can be more debilitating than the actual change. Focus on the positive! Allow yourself some grace during these times; we aren't always kind to ourselves especially when we don't appear to accept change as well as others. If what is happening to you is out of your control be kind to yourself and allow yourself some time to receive with what the new normal may be. Take time to look at what is happening from a different perspective, this helps with welcoming the transition. 
• Talk it out - Yes, I'm a social worker so of course I'm an advocate of therapy! I'm also an advocate of speaking to someone that will offer a listening ear, a safe space and if desired wise counsel. What's important about talking it out in a safe space, is it allows you the opportunity to release possible frustration, express any fears and potentially identify irrational thoughts. We don't always need a solution but a space to be heard. The release of any anxiety for what's to come actually provides room for acceptance. Take the time to find a safe space to talk it out.   

There are times we see change coming and we still aren't quite ready for what life will become. Even in the midst of chaos seeing the light at the end of the tunnel does not always give a sense of relief. Letting go and adjusting to reality, is a scary notion for many. However our the benefit to adjusting to life's transitions outweigh fighting against the inevitable. I think Borg said "resistance is futile" so let's choose to adjust and live free. 

Your Life, Your Choice!

I Got Married and Moved to California!!

Life comes at you fast even when you plan the events! Let me share just how overwhelming my 2021 has been due to multiple major life changes. Ok in May 2021 the twins graduated high school making me an empty nester. I really didn't have time to feel my feelings about that because later in that same month I graduated with my Master's degree. It was an exciting month and we celebrated the accomplishments together. To be honest there wasn't any time to be sad about an empty house because I was in the middle of putting the finishing touches on my destination wedding. There was also the added stress of relocating to California. My future husband and I spent a lot of time working on the logistics of relocating that our focus was prioritized by dates. Labor day was the set weekend to leave Nebraska and the second weekend in November was our wedding date/trip!! 

We had a wonderful experience with our 43 guest that joined us and help made our day a joyous memory! Our time on the island was exquisite and filled with laughter. God blessed us with His seal of approval, I shared a shot of an amazing rainbow that appeared over our wedding structure. I did love every moment of our special day and happy to share a few shots from our stunning island wedding destination. 

Here's a great shot by the photographer capture before the moment my groom turned around to see me:

This is one of my FAVORITE shots of us and the Kids!! Ya'll see how much my kids have grown: 

This is a shot from a different angle the photographer suggested:

This is US seated at our table for the reception!

Ya'll ain't about to tell me that's not a Money shot!!

How gorgeous are these grounds

We spent an entire day on a beach side cabana and took in every moment: 

This selfie we took the moment after we said I do! 

 I will never forget how happy and giddy we were in this room after our nuptial. We made sure to sit in our moment and take the time to love GOD for all that He provided. All of our dreams and prayers have been answered. He's protected our love and covered our relationship. Unsolicited advice alert: Go live the life you want....don't allow society or people to tell you how to live YOUR life!

Live Free and Be Courageous!!

Who's drawing your lines?

"When you write the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen", this most definitely includes boundaries. I recently did a short series on stressing the importance of boundaries, diving into identifying what healthy boundaries look like, types of boundaries and defining boundaries. Another focus was to recognize how abandoning self, displays a lack of boundaries in our lives. For instance, avoiding  uncomfortable situations, absence of self-care rituals or the inability to say "no". Our goal should be doing what's necessary for us to maintain positive energy within ourselves through the lines we draw. So who's drawing your lines? Family? Friends? Social media? Peer pressure? Take a moment to think about what is motivating your actions, this will assist you in validating that your motives are indeed, yours!

What I found personally helpful is making sure I communicate my thoughts and feelings clearly as it relates to my boundaries. Stating my boundaries helps me professionally and personally, because it removes assumptions. Take a moment to think about the last time you assumed someone knew your boundaries and they didn't, how did that work out? We do ourselves and loved ones a disservice when we don't clearly identify boundaries. This does not have to be a difficult conversation, if we respect each other enough to listen. I've stated before how important to me being "heard" is, because for many years I allowed someone to take my voice away. This has now become a boundary for me, I need to be heard because I will take the time to listen. I no longer expect others to know, I am sure to state it prior to beginning a conversation if the person is unfamiliar. I draw my own lines. 

It is important that we feel equal and understand that your voice matters, so draw the line. Asking for what you want, such as negotiating your salary, draw the line. Understanding that your happiness is your responsibility so draw the line! Being comfortable with saying no and placing yourself first, draw the line. Healthy boundaries are extremely important and key to maintaining the proper self-care. Drawing the lines in your life is solely your responsibility and so is who you allow to hold the pen. 

Be Strong & Live Free!! 

Article on setting boundaries:

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

How valuable is your time?

Learning a lesson happens when you are prepared and freely willing to receive what’s being shared.  “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.” I find this quote to be liberating and invigorating because it reveals that upon an inner awakening one acquires an essential key to better living practices. It is in due time that we learn how to heal, grow, release and mature when ready. I’ve reached the time in my life that being mindful of my time and skillfully managing it has assisted personal growth. It’s only taken me about 40 years to fully comprehend the true essence of what time is, where to limit it, recognize why time should be valued and when to treasure it. 

Read this: “We grieve for time’s passing, but do not respect it in the present. We want it back after it is gone, but ignore it when it is here. We do not properly value it.  Money can be built back up if we spend it all, and yet we value it more than our time, which could run out at any moment. By knowing deep within ourselves that time is a finite resource, we can start to give it value. What will you do with your next hour? What would you do differently if you knew it was your last hour?” Far too often we only recognize time’s value when it’s loss. We don’t seize opportunities due to being wasteful, unproductive or allowing others to apply their limitation. Understanding that the more time you waste the less time you have for achievement (moving forward). Valuing time also helps us in being productive and effective in our pursuit to greater heights.

How valuable is your time? Let’s consider the time allowed to be consumed by negative and/or toxic energy. Far too often individuals make the statement “my time is valuable” and yet they consistently waste time consumed in gossip, arguing, holding a grudge, being mean spirited, procrastinating etc. In the past I can recall allowing myself to be drawn into madness and accepting all kinds of invitations to petty parties. During this journey of self-improvement I’ve learned to place value on time in general. Currently, I spend time wisely by doing fun or adventurous things with those that I love. I am intentional in being mindful so that I am productive with my day. Unfortunately, this wasn't always the case for me, as I allowed time to be wasted. Take a moment to consider how valuable is your time? Do you think about how you spend it as much as you think about how you spend your money? Start tracking how you are spending your time, it will began to explain where you are in life. Succeeding in our goals or making dreams a reality relies heavily on good time management. Time is your most valuable asset and your next level in life is determined by your value of time.

One Word Theme – FOCUS

2019 brings in another opportunity to either readjust or start a new path. We don’t necessarily have to wait for the New Year to begin anew, because every day we are given brand new mercies to start again. I love the idea of starting each year off with a motivating word that sparks the inner flame and propels me into action. I believe that it is equally important to use a one word theme as the central point to draw from it helps encourage me to remain diligent on the course of self-improvement, enlightenment and living my best life.

“You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks” – Winston Churchill. Thus my one word theme this year is FOCUS! If there is ever a time in my life that I need to readjust and realign my thoughts on my goals it’s now. I took the time to “Embrace” all that was coming my way in 2017 and in 2018 I was sure to “Celebrate” all of those accomplishments. This year I begin the third stage in my five stage long term goals and it requires my complete focus. I anticipate distractions, hell I’ve had several while writing these short paragraphs however I refuse to allow every distraction to hinder my progression. If I am aiming to achieve what I've set before me then not every "dog that barks" will be worth my time.   

My main focus is to remain focus on the objectives I created and formatting a strategy on obtaining them. I know that staying focus can be tough with the constant distractions and nuances each day presents. I, personally had to train myself not to reach for my phone in the mornings, but intentionally say a prayer or words of affirmation. That change has assisted me in setting the pace to a positive start to my day. My definition of being successful is accomplishing the goals I set for myself and that can only be done through dedication and concentration.

Practicing mindfulness has helped me to improve in multiple areas, such as controlling my emotions, calming down and being present. Mindfulness is about focus and training your cognitive abilities to be present in the moment. So much of what we encounter can be a deterrent that if one isn’t careful can easily be lead astray. I’m currently nurturing a positive space and that alone is compelling me to concentrate my focus this year on continued personal growth. I was reading an article titled “Improve Your Concentration” by the mind tools content team, in early 2018, the article was so helpful, I saved it. Here is an excerpt I thought could be useful:

Follow some of these guidelines to help focus your mind:

·        Set aside time to deal with worries – Many of us have trouble concentrating during the day because we're constantly worrying about other things. It could be an approaching deadline for a project you haven't started, a new colleague who's causing problems, or just the amount of work on your desk. If you find yourself distracted by worries, then note these down so that you don't need to hold them in your mind. Then schedule time to deal with these issues.

·        Focus on one task at a time – It can be much harder to focus if you take minibreaks (15–30 seconds) to answer emails, send text messages, or take quick phone calls. Some researchers believe that it can take up to 15 minutes for us to regain complete focus after a distraction.

·        Close your email inbox and chat program – Let your voicemail do its job. If your office allows it, close your office door or put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign to let colleagues know you need to focus. (If you're a manager and you want to operate an open door policy, then consider working from home or from elsewhere for times when you need to focus.)

·        Switch between high- and low-attention tasks – This can give your brain a rest after heavy concentration. For instance, if you spend two hours working on your department's budget, you'll probably feel tired afterward. You can recharge your energy by working on a low-attention task, like filing, for 15 minutes before going back to your budget.

·        Prioritize – Having too much to do can be distracting, and this sometime causes procrastination. Or, you may quickly jump from task to task, creating the illusion of work – but in reality, you're not accomplishing very much. If you're not sure which tasks to start or which are most important, take 10 or 15 minutes to prioritize your To-Do List. Our article Overcoming Procrastination can also help.

I thought why reinvent the wheel, when I can just share good advice that I've used and rendered good results. The article is filled with more constructive tips, if you are interested in the entire article the link is below. I’m sending out positive energy to everyone reading this because I want you to go out and live your life on your terms! Be Courageous!! Live Free and FOCUS on being a better YOU!!!

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_78.htm

“Who are you going to blame your life on today?”

“Who are you going to blame your life on today?” This question was presented by a woman to herself during a tumultuous period in her life. A time in her life when she didn’t own up to the choices she had made that lead her to despair. In a podcast the woman was on, she describe how during that turbulent time she desired major life changes however she didn’t want any disruptions, suffer any possible consequences nor give up any current comforts. Listening to her speak, I reflected on my own life and wondered if I had ever been so ridiculously conflicted about taking ownership while desiring change. To be honest I did recall the time when I too lacked – personal accountability. I remembered when I blamed someone else for where my life was, until I realized how stagnant it made me mentally and physically. 

“Being willing to answer….for the outcomes resulting from your choices, behavior and actions.” – Todd Herman. Personal accountability is a consistent commitment to yourself to consciously take ownership and responsibility for the direction of your life. I understand that bad things happen however your response to situations and/or misfortune is often the deciding factor for the path you are now on. I know that accepting personal accountability in all areas of one’s life can be a difficult task if you lack self-awareness. Self-awareness assist in holding yourself accountable for your decisions and actions. It builds character and enriches your personality. I know I can attest to how I feel better allowing myself to accept that it’s ok to make a mistake as long as you self-correct.  

“There is growth in your character helps to withstand all that you’ve been through when you assume accountability” – Dr. Leroy E. Adams Jr. I had to write this comment down my fiancé offered in a discussion we were having on the topic of personal accountability. Breaking habits and reconditioning yourself can be a complex process due to how complacent we become in our practiced behavior. If it is brought to my attention that I offended someone, I like to consider their point of view. On my self-improvement journey I’ve learned to accept the negative impact my actions can cause even if I had good intentions. A healthy form of communication helps to alleviate misconceptions and resolve potential problems. Why does this process become such a daunting task to some? Because it means you have to assume accountability, what your actions were and most importantly admit what you could have done better. Your growth can only be hindered if you refuse to acknowledge there is a need to grow. 

So tell me who are you going to blame your life on today? Who’s at fault for you choosing to lose sight of your peace, contentment or joy? “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits for they become character. Watch your character for it becomes your destiny” – Lao Tzu. We know that with our words we can motivate ourselves to do incredible things or we can discourage our own progression. Our words can create intimacy or separation. With our words we can motivate ourselves to do things we never thought we could do or bury us alive. How much has your pattern of thinking allowed you to succeed or be unsuccessful? 

Remember you become what you think, so it is your responsibility to assume ownership of your thoughts and actions. The energy you use to blame others for where you are in life can also be used to figure out a solution to change where you are in life. Remaining idle in a negative space is a choice you make either consciously or sub-consciously. Develop the capacity to be objective about yourself and become self-aware. The woman in the podcast shared how she empowered herself by saying “Your life isn’t someone else’s fault, your life is what you decide to make it, from this point”. The details of her story I didn’t feel were necessary because the essence of what she was saying is universal. We must be mindful in taking personal accountability for our own lives and stop blaming. Your growth is in the lesson of the misfortune so don't give up your power to grow by blaming others. Whatever has happen.....happened, get up from it and move forward! 

Be Courageous & Live Free.

Life Lesson on Overcoming Self-doubt

Today for Monday Motivation, I wanted to repost my reflection on an assignment I completed four years ago. The lesson I learned about myself and overcoming self-doubt were valuable and timeless, so I thought I’d repost the story:

“In my Interpersonal Relationship class I had to do a presentation on resolving conflicts. We were given two nights to present on the first night there was a guy in class who did an amazing job on his verbal and nonverbal communication presentation using an interactive PowerPoint with the audience. Instantly I could sense my overly competitive nature wanting and “needing” to do a better job. I decided to scrap the idea I had initially and come up with something better for the following week my presentation was due. After a few days of brainstorming I came up with the grand idea to do a puppet show. I had previously been nervous with thinking out of the box however settled on doing my presentation via a skit I would write and to be “acted” out by sock puppets, I’d make! Unfortunately, as the time drew nigh I became overwhelmed with fear that I was near tears thinking the presentation would not be received well. I began to believe I would fail. However, I did it anyway, I presented “Pat&Ollie Resolving Interpersonal Conflict” and to my pleasant surprise the show went over extremely well with everyone. I also received extra points for the most creative presentation! *victory dance* I’m sharing because I was nervous and unsure of myself and I almost held myself back from at least trying due to fear. What I learned in that moment of accomplishment was I know sometimes we defeat ourselves before we even take the first step. We create the failure through quitting. My take away is when trying something NEW embrace the fear but do it anyway! It’s ok to be afraid just don’t let it hinder you from thinking outside the box or going after being your best self. #YouAreStrongerthanYouKnow”

I hope today you decide to go after whatever it is you’ve allowed fear to stop you from doing. Time is fleeting if you wait too long……it’ll be gone.  

Live Free!! Be Courageous...