Adjusting to Life's transitions

It's been over 3 years since I wrote and today I was sitting and reflecting on life. I felt inspired to start writing, so forgive the grammatical and spelling errors I'm sure I will have. I just want to allow myself time to just type and release what my thoughts are as well as provide some helpful hints. I was wondering what are some best practices to adjusting to my current transitions I'm experiencing. I have been fortunate to learn alot about the benefit of taking time to sit with my feelings. Sitting with how I feel about different aspects of my life helps me to slow down my response so that I decide from a place of thoughtfulness and of course being well informed. One of my personal goals is that I am not reactionary to life as it happens. Of course that takes practices and I am not always successful in achieving that goal. 

Ok, so why am I writing after such a long hiatus. Well, because I have encountered many new life experiences, writing will aid in my own coping of my reality and I feel inspired. I am encountering multiple major life changes and felt like writing for someone other than myself. I'm also in a position (professionally and personally) assisting others to identify healthy methods of coping with the adjustments life often presents or is presenting. So where do we start? How does one begin to make sense of the twist and turns our life journeys may entail? Well after reading a few articles and reflecting I decided to share a few things that could help. 

• Be present and recognize - whether wanted or unwanted recognize that change is an expected part of the human experience. Embracing the reality of what is happening helps to keep us grounded in what is. Unfortunately with the easy access of AI and digital access it's convenient for us to escape what is real. It is important to address change, because whether we like it or not it happens. How does remaining present benefit? It is to our advantage to begin mentally processing what is happening in an effort to properly adjust.  
• Quiet your mind - Typically a rush of irrational thoughts and/or panic is the onset reaction when abrupt change occurs. Change will disrupt rational thought process even when it is expected. A healthy way of engaging and calming irrational thinking is to quiet your mind. This can be done through multiple ways; such as taking a break, listening to soothing instrumental music, taking a walk, grounding exercises or guided meditation. Our thought process is the main catalyst in how we manage our reality. I can't express enough how essential it is to control your thoughts during difficult changes. I have personally found walking in nature to be relaxing.  
• Alter your perspective - Dr. Maya Angelou once stated that "If you can't change it, change your attitude"  According to some of the research the negative perception around change can be more debilitating than the actual change. Focus on the positive! Allow yourself some grace during these times; we aren't always kind to ourselves especially when we don't appear to accept change as well as others. If what is happening to you is out of your control be kind to yourself and allow yourself some time to receive with what the new normal may be. Take time to look at what is happening from a different perspective, this helps with welcoming the transition. 
• Talk it out - Yes, I'm a social worker so of course I'm an advocate of therapy! I'm also an advocate of speaking to someone that will offer a listening ear, a safe space and if desired wise counsel. What's important about talking it out in a safe space, is it allows you the opportunity to release possible frustration, express any fears and potentially identify irrational thoughts. We don't always need a solution but a space to be heard. The release of any anxiety for what's to come actually provides room for acceptance. Take the time to find a safe space to talk it out.   

There are times we see change coming and we still aren't quite ready for what life will become. Even in the midst of chaos seeing the light at the end of the tunnel does not always give a sense of relief. Letting go and adjusting to reality, is a scary notion for many. However our the benefit to adjusting to life's transitions outweigh fighting against the inevitable. I think Borg said "resistance is futile" so let's choose to adjust and live free. 

Your Life, Your Choice!

Who's drawing your lines?

"When you write the story of your life, don't let anyone else hold the pen", this most definitely includes boundaries. I recently did a short series on stressing the importance of boundaries, diving into identifying what healthy boundaries look like, types of boundaries and defining boundaries. Another focus was to recognize how abandoning self, displays a lack of boundaries in our lives. For instance, avoiding  uncomfortable situations, absence of self-care rituals or the inability to say "no". Our goal should be doing what's necessary for us to maintain positive energy within ourselves through the lines we draw. So who's drawing your lines? Family? Friends? Social media? Peer pressure? Take a moment to think about what is motivating your actions, this will assist you in validating that your motives are indeed, yours!

What I found personally helpful is making sure I communicate my thoughts and feelings clearly as it relates to my boundaries. Stating my boundaries helps me professionally and personally, because it removes assumptions. Take a moment to think about the last time you assumed someone knew your boundaries and they didn't, how did that work out? We do ourselves and loved ones a disservice when we don't clearly identify boundaries. This does not have to be a difficult conversation, if we respect each other enough to listen. I've stated before how important to me being "heard" is, because for many years I allowed someone to take my voice away. This has now become a boundary for me, I need to be heard because I will take the time to listen. I no longer expect others to know, I am sure to state it prior to beginning a conversation if the person is unfamiliar. I draw my own lines. 

It is important that we feel equal and understand that your voice matters, so draw the line. Asking for what you want, such as negotiating your salary, draw the line. Understanding that your happiness is your responsibility so draw the line! Being comfortable with saying no and placing yourself first, draw the line. Healthy boundaries are extremely important and key to maintaining the proper self-care. Drawing the lines in your life is solely your responsibility and so is who you allow to hold the pen. 

Be Strong & Live Free!! 

Article on setting boundaries:

https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/

The True Defeat

At first glance what does this meme say to you? No really look at it and take a moment to think about it and respond to self. Honestly speaking did you see yourself as the dog or the eagle? How did the situation end? Where were you, mentally when it ended? I saw this meme on social media and was drawn to it because this picture depicted what I see on social media whenever I log in. The amount of energy people use to spread negative and hateful messages is astounding. I call it self-destructive behavior because well essentially it truly only hurts self. (I’ll refer back to the meme as “exhibit A”) This type of self-destructive behavior can be seen in the passive-aggressive and aggressive form.   

Okay so we’ve heard the sayings, "If you dig one ditch you better dig two because the trap you set may just be for you" or how about "holding on to anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"? For the believers the bible states in Proverbs 26:27, “Whoever digs a pit will fall into it; if someone rolls a stone, it will roll back on them.” In my estimation, the true defeat in revenge returns to the hand that dealt it. I often use social media as an observation tool to help me pinpoint patterns in human behavior, test theories and make general assessments. Personally I had to reevaluate my own social media interaction and retain a better handle on being triggered and responding to negativity. A few years ago as I engaged in a war of words with a complete stranger and I remember thinking “What am I gaining?” I believe that question is vital to the individual that actively seeks revenge.

Vengeance is a monster of appetite, forever bloodthirsty and never filled.—Richelle E. Goodrich

It’s like chasing waterfalls, an intangible dream with no thought of the consequences. Take one look at the dog in “exhibit A” and we can see how that scenario will end. Please don't invest a lot of time and energy chasing issues, situations and people that are beyond your control. You can be more productive resolving personal concerns and concentrating on self-improvement help in the betterment of your daily living.  

Revenge can only be found on the road to self-destruction.—Wayne Gerard Trotman

If you are not careful the essence of who you are can be consumed and damaged. So many people are never able to notice how deep the pit they are in is until hopelessness and loneliness appears. The dog is so obsessed with snatching the eagle out the sky, he’s lost sight of the road….well the lack thereof. So tell me, why aren’t you more important to YOU than the person/situation you’re after? Note: non-verbal (actions) supersede the verbal (words).

Revenge is not worthy of you. If you concentrate on revenge, you will keep those wounds fresh that would otherwise have healed.—Adeline Yen Mah
Healing is a response to an injury this sets into motion a sequence of events to restoration, physically and emotionally. I read that there are basically four phases to the healing process as it pertains to the physical. I won’t go in-depth because the research is for an analogy I’m using on another blog but dammit it’s fitting so I will use some information. Ok so the four phases a wound goes through are: the hemostasis, inflammatory phase, proliferation phase, and maturation. There are absolutely no suggestions made that one should pick over the wound, pour salt in it or consistently stare at said wound. The phases show how the body identifies what’s going on, takes action essential to fixing what’s wrong, covers the wound to allow time for it to recover and gain strength. This physical healing process resemble what is necessary for emotional healing.   

The best way to refocus, readjust an attitude and remove a self-destructive cycle after being wounded by life/person/people is to identify, cleanse, learn and apply. Identify what you’re feeling, why and where you are emotionally. Learn what it will take to help you cleanse yourself of negative emotions so that you don’t become consumed. Apply what you’ve learn so that you can eliminate self-destructive behavior releasing revenge for YOU. Why? Because you are more important than what happen to you, or didn’t happen for you. I know how-to steps always sound so simple however I understand all too well that the steps to transforming is the process of improvement. Let’s face it you don't want to be the German Shepard in the picture so consumed with snatching the eagle from the sky that he has lost focus on remaining grounded. He's allowed his pursuit to take him to the edge and possibly his demise. The moment he realizes his surroundings it will be too late and the eagle will continue to do what he/she was born to do, fly higher.

Moral: Be the Eagle, beware of the dogs and don’t be the cause of your own defeat.

Be Strong and Live Free

Parent Enthusiastically & Enrich their minds

I’m in the midst of reading Charlemagne tha God’s book “Black Privilege”. The book is interesting for numerous reasons however my focal point will be something Charlemagne shares about his mother and her encouraging him to read books specifically book that didn’t pertain to him or his life. I initially didn’t fully appreciate the reason he shared until I was having a discussion with someone about a topic that they were surprised I could share an informed opinion about. I’ve stated in previous blog entries that I embrace opportunities to learn something new and how much I relish in the process of learning. The idea of encouraging your child to read about a variety of subjects increases their ability to think critically and assess situations from several perspectives. In an effort to keep the twins encouraged to read more I discovered that I catered to what they like, which is good however incorporating some variety could also be beneficial.

Lee and I were out this weekend, went in a few stores he indulged me by going into the Dollar Tree. I needed to obtain some gift boxes for some Mother’s Day gifts I had previously purchased. While we were in the store I walked down an aisle that was stacked with books. I was surprised and delighted because there was a great range of hard cover books and I didn’t realize were sold in this store. Similar to any true lover of books I took time out to shuffle through the three packed shelves of books. The price of the book helped in making a treasured find all the more valuable. Lee, aware of my goal to have the Twins become more engaged readers held up a book stating, “I heard about these boys and their band, this might be a good one for the twins”. I was enthralled in my search so without looking up I asked Lee to elaborate, as he read the inner cover he stopped and said “Never mind they may not be interested in this.” That was the sentence that made me pause, Charlemagne’s story about his mother making him read things that didn’t pertain to his life came to mind. I looked up and said “It’s the perfect book, do they have two?”

My goal in life as a mother is to equip my kids with the best information I have so that they are knowledgeable in multiple areas. I want them to do more than survive in life, I want them to flourish. I often tell them “I’m giving you the gift of knowledge and no one will ever be able to rob you of it!” I make it a point to learn additional techniques to improve parenting skills. I listen to the adult children about methods their mothers used while raising them (i.e. Charlemagne). Books have always been important to me from Judy Blume’s “Are you there God, it’s me Margaret” to my favorite “Coldest Winter Ever” by Sista Souljah. You tell me just how diverse the spectrum is pertaining to those two books.  

Like most mothers I consider the short and long term when it comes to parenting. The twins excel in all things electronic, math and athletics. While encouraging them to cultivate what they love doing I also want to build on what is innate in them. I pray what I teach helps them to succeed. What I do understand that if we want our children to exceed to a higher level we must sacrifice and find a balance.

I purchased “Unlocking the Truth” a book about young African American boys that started a rock band and against all odds have become successful. The twins don’t listen to rock music however the band’s story of perseverance and ambition to go after their dream is what I’m hoping translate. I’m reading along with them preparing questions for a 10-12 minute discussion after each section. The first section went better than I expected. Be sure to build a library that offers a variety of subjects and engage them in a short discussion about their thoughts on what they read. Encourage critical thinking skills early and encourage them to increase their vocabulary. Being actively involved in the enrichment of their mind and character is one of the greatest gifts a parent can give.

Live Free and Parent Enthusiastically! 

Release the Prisoner: Free yourself

The danger of feeding into negativity and the resulting factors have been well documented on a psychological and spiritual level. The only true way to release yourself from the burden of a life of bitterness and dwelling in misery is to actively implement the life changing information readily available. Why do we opt out of using it? Is it easier to hold on to bitterness while denying that it so obviously exist in your life? Bitterness drives so many of us yet we swiftly dispel that notion instead of giving it proper consideration. I mean hell who wants to be labeled as being "bitter", right? I'm going to challenge you to take some time to think about it, no one is around it's just you and your thoughts. If you begin by excluding the time spent on what/who caused the hurt/pain allowing you to only to concentrate on what your reality is, at this present moment. So what happen, happened! It sucks! Refusing to acknowledge acceptance of what has transpired and your present day reality is the seed of bitterness. We can get into what fuels it a little later. What does accepting look like because it’s not just saying “I accept what’s happened to me!” Acceptance resembles release, learning the lesson and growth. If you find that your struggle is covered in negative speech, destructive acting out and constant blame then you are bitter. Acceptance is not your reality. There are other variables that feed into the end result however when you deal with the core of anything your chances of resolving the complete issue becomes inevitable.

The more we hold onto past hurts the more we become drunk on our pain. Repeating the experience can rob us of the joy we could potentially find elsewhere. Again, no one likes to admit that they are bitter or harboring resentment especially if you use so much of your energy trying to convince others that you are not. Unfortunately, what typically happens is you began believing what you’ve said over and over as truth. The façade then  becomes disastrous because you will spend months or years in a private hell due to self deceit. Long lonely tearful nights, many moments of emptiness and feeling unfulfilled daily. I once nurtured bitterness and was well on my way to being consumed. I remember making a choice about 4 years ago to work towards being honest with myself about my feelings and intent. This was for my personal growth not for anyone else, becoming self-aware enriched my life. Once I accepted my reality I knew I also had to figure out how I would then alter and LIVE in it. I realized that the negativity that surrounded me had a lot to do with my choice of allowing it to breath. There would be no relief if I didn’t first suffocate the negative energy and replace it with positive energy and people.  

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison”. ~Nelson Mandela

I always appreciate a quote rich in substance and reality, much can be said for practical advice not just philosophical words. It also helps when the quote assist in proving a valid point. Mr. Mandela understood that if he planned to live out the remaining years of his life happy and effectively that there would be no room for bitterness nor hatred. One of the many lessons he learned while in prison was that a mental and emotional prison is just as restricting as a physical prison. Your pain may be valid but a bitter attitude will only increase YOUR misery. It will drive away potential sources of true support and love. Bitterness will always chase away love in your heart and your life. What’s most unfortunate is the obvious denial of what has taken root and is being nurtured. I’m sorry but it’s not that well hidden. If you are honest with yourself then you’ll see some of these descriptors as being familiar: sad/depressed, angry, hostile, ranting about wrongs, refusing to see self, resentful, dwelling on past wrongs, stubborn, wounded, moody, lashing out at others, carrying emotional baggage, blaming others, stereotyping, scapegoating, agitated, negative, critical, defensive, cultivating grudges, maliciousness and rage. This is what bitterness looks like. How could anyone possibly succeed with moving forward fostering any of these emotions and actions mentioned? One of the first successful steps to healing is identifying the wound. If we take a moment and think about it that would apply to any physical/emotional wound.

When we are hurt, we have a tendency to replay the painful events over and over in our head or tell anyone who will listen about our pain–even over and over again. Now I personally think it’s great to discuss your inner most feelings with a trusted individual or a support group. The trusted individual priorities should be to help you heal from the hurt, facilitate reconciliation if so desired or just encourage the rebuilding of your life. These are all my personal reflections as I’ve had to fight the battle of bitterness to save my own life from decaying. There are a few things I’ve noticed in hindsight, the denial (non-acceptance) and how it kept me tormented and those that were so willing to eagerly watch me suffer. There is only one word of advice I will offer about the latter and that’s beware of those who encourage you to continually sit in a seat of despair amidst bitterness. These individuals do so by making it comfortable and inviting for you to remain tormented disguising their help as “being supportive”. Again, I speak from personal life experience not solely on research. I learned that the pain and heartache I experienced wasn’t going away until I dealt with and accepted what happened. I let go of the idea of “payback” or proving someone wrong. I shifted my focus inward, so I could see me because I had abandoned me like many others. L

Carl Jung stated “the person who looks outward dreams, the person who looks inward awakens.” It wasn’t until I realized that the only true control I had was over myself, I was then able to begin and allow the work needed to fix my heart and mind. At the time, I refused to open my eyes to see what was causing the ongoing heartache. I understand that it’s difficult to admit but I want to share with you in love what those around you may or may not have tried. Or quite possibly you wouldn’t listen. Or maybe you know but decided to subconsciously suppress. The entire purpose for me being transparent in this moment is to honestly tell you, that your life will never get better, that piercing sting will only become more agonizing and you will always be a prisoner if you persist on the path of bitterness.

Break loose and FREE yourself! 

One Word Theme

Embrace the choices, changes and challenges in 2017. It’s that time of year again for me to reflect on what I accomplished and what needs to be improved upon going forward. It’s been three years now that I’ve incorporated the “one word” theme in my New Year short term goals. I can honestly say it’s something I’ve been able to maintain its fostered positive personal growth. I can attribute my ability to adjust to the proactive methods I’ve learned, and making sure to implement them as life happens. My desire is to continue using this mindset as I aspire to press forward, moving around the negativity as best I can and embrace what’s ahead. Monday, December 19^th the word “embrace” hit me as I prepared for work. I decided to share what came as a result of me taking some time to meditate on what my one word theme will mean in my life and how to translate embrace as I move forward in 2017.  

Choices~ Embrace MY choices. I learned the hard way that not everyone will understand nor approve of my life choices. The desire to have that approval is actually what use to keep me in a sad dark place for so many years. The fear of what people would say or do if I didn’t make their choice for my life. I am thankful for the day I removed that unnecessary weight off of me and began to make choices based on what makes me happy. A few years ago I read about an Australian nurse by the name of Bronnie Ware, she spent several years working with those who were dying and recorded their dying regrets. This is the number one regret she recorded: "This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it." What other people think of you doesn’t define Latrice, so I set myself free from their judgment. Stop being afraid of choosing to make YOU happy. I know that it’s difficult to choose you, especially if you habitually put others before you. I recall how I felt “selfish” and would subsequently back out of choosing what made me happy. I’ve since figured out it’s not selfish to actually live your life for you. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out why I allowed others who were not really a contributing factor to my well-being be a FACTOR in my life choices. In 2012 I resolved that I only owe consideration to my kids(to a degree) and myself. I haven’t regretted one decision I’ve made since choosing ME! In 2017 there are a few major choices on the horizon and I must persist in embracing the choices that advance me closer to my dreams.    

Changes~ Embracing change can be quite unsettling especially since there is a level of fear attached to the unknown. Let’s face it being drawn out of a space you've been in for many years is going to cause some uneasiness. I’m almost sure this is why they call it a "comfort zone". I know that changes will occur as a result of the choices we make or through not making a choice which in itself is actually a choice. It’s imperative to acknowledge and accept that in changes are challenges but in the midst of your challenges you always have a choice. I’ve discovered that change isn’t always uncomfortable and can be refreshing. “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy; not on fighting the old but building the new.” ~Socrates

Challenges~ There is truly only one path to become better at anything and it’s through experience and practice (mastering levels, stages or degrees). Positive and negative experiences alike. I’m not actively seeking out heartbreak, failure, illness, loneliness and loss. However when negative experiences surface unexpectedly I feel the need to learn from it and use it to my advantage the way I use the positive experiences for enrichment. In this period of my life improving the person I am is my central focus. I want to raise my children to understand that living a life that makes them happy without hurting others is the root of successful living. Their challenge won’t be in obtaining information but applying it. The application is the true work, right? I swear the minute you state what you will do and won’t do, a test prepared by fate will be administered by life to see if you are truly ready for the choices you make, the changes and challenges to come.

I’m going to embrace happiness because I realize that this is my choice, a choice I don’t plan to leave in the hands of others.   

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again." ~ Bronnie Ware

Live Free

My Sappy Perspective on Love....

I feel like writing about love today because he makes every inch of me smile with excitement and I swear it’s the scariest feeling ever. I’ve taken some time to assess why and all I can come up with is I don’t want it to end it’s just to richly sweet, exciting and fun. It feels like the feeling you get when you are in a room with your favorite people sharing a good laugh and everyone is truly enjoying the fun moment. It feels like that exciting rush you got when you were a kid and it was time to go to bed on Christmas eve that anticipation for what the morning would bring. {Of course this is before you were told Santa wasn’t real.} It feels like the warmth you get in your heart when a baby smiles at you and they don’t even know you but it’s still sweet and it makes your heart melts. I mean who doesn’t smile back at a smiling baby?  

In the beginning I found myself thinking about the difference in how I feel about him than I have in my past two relationships. The major difference being, how EASY it is to honestly communicate my feelings and actively listening to him share his feelings. I noticed how I will swiftly apologize if needed and accepting of constructive feedback. I want what we share to last but more importantly I want it to continue to grow stronger. II Corinthians 13:4-8 talks about what love is and I remember using it in a paper I wrote for an English class many years ago but it’s funny because now I really understand what love means, how it should translate into positive behavior not just feelings. For instances there is a part where it states “it keeps no record of wrongs” the few times an apology was needed in my current relationship are not reoccurring incidents. There is no desire to actively maintain a mental record of what happened, only enthusiastically reaching forward for what’s to come and leaving yesterday’s issue where it belongs. We acknowledge with acceptance that we are imperfect and we don't hold it against each other.

I love the smallest things he does for me the best and appreciate everything we do to maintain a healthy friendship in the midst of loving one another. It’s imperative that there is a good balance of quality time together, time shared with friends and loved ones as well as time alone. I like that we encourage each other to reach our goals and remain open to suggestions. The sight of him warms my body and every embrace we share is valuable in supporting our solid infrastructure. “When I see your face there’s not a thing that I would change cause you’re amazing, just the way you are…” Sorry ya’ll I had a teenage moment, but you’ll have to give me a few more seconds to tell him;

Thank you Love, for being an impeccable man, sharing your heart, thoughts, feelings, perspectives, being honest, saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it, protecting me, wiping my tears away, kissing my forehead, supporting me, telling me I can, not causing me heartache, driving across town to put money in the meter so my car won’t get ticketed, holding my hand, opening the door, asking for my input, listening to my aspirations, loving me and offering me your last name….

Love is about cherishing every single moment you have with the person you say you love even in difficult moments. There isn’t a need to “force it” because its natural…. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails.”

Live Free and LOVE!

Disarming Anger

There was a friend I had on Facebook that would weekly post this question “What have we learned this week boys & girls?”  It became a favorite of mine and I looked forward to seeing it because it motivated me, to be sure I  learn something new no matter how great or small. I’ve since incorporated the question as an icebreaker from time to time during group sessions I facilitate. It’s a good way to encourage others to think beyond their norm and embrace the knowledge gained that week.

I felt like writing because I learned something through observing the physical impact of apologizing to someone sincerely that I never noticed before. I witnessed the tense and agitated demeanor the person initially presented toward me change into a calm relaxed and even softening after I sincerely apologized. Of course I know the basics of what an apology can do especially when it’s sincere and accompanied with humble non-verbal's. It wasn’t until about a few weeks ago I felt how disarming it can be to the offended which I was however this week I was the offender.  I’m sorry to report that I’m imperfect, I know it sucks to read because it sucks to admit. (ßok that was me being sarcastic)  Okay let me split this up because I was the offended a few weeks ago and the offender this week. I’m going to tell both situations from the short end of the stick, sort to speak….

The Offended

I was heated! I mean really angry and I remember thinking about all that I was going to say to set the offender straight! I mean I took time out to think of what to say, how I was going to say it, and what my response would be to several comebacks that the offender just may say in opposition. (I know I’m not the only one that does this) The time came and as I spoke to the one who offended me I began with two statements that lead into my rant. The offender did the one thing I did not prepare for and that was giving me an apology. It was clearly spoken, well stated without excuses nor any passive aggressive undertones. Just an “I’m sorry, I was wrong!” and what made it most effective is that the person rarely gave an apology without a “defeat”. I remember retelling this to my Guy and he asked me if I still said everything I had prepared? I simply asked rhetorically “how do you completely go off into a prepared rant after an apology?”

The Offender

I sat there with a million things running through my mind as I watched the person I disappointed find the words to say that they were disappointed with me. I could sense their agitation so I was sure to focus and listen intensively as they spoke. I felt awful that I caused the tension and placed the person in a position to have to address the issue. When it was my turn to speak all I had was “I’m sorry that I did that and placed you in this position.” It almost felt like time stop for a second like it does in the really innovative movie like “Inception” ….or maybe not. Maybe I just really liked the movie and wanted to reference it but anyway, I had a moment! I watched the person I just offered a heartfelt apology to, relax and completely change from having a highly irritated mood to showing compassion toward my humbled offering.

The relative importance of an apology I know is to mend and/or soothe something broken emotionally or mentally however one thing I’ve never taken the time to observe was the physical effect. I would also have to factor in that I’m in a place mentally that I’ve grown to nurture and embrace so that helps. I don’t think I've ever seen the benefits of choosing to be angry and vengeful whether an apology was rendered or not. Unfortunately during those times it didn't stop me from holding on to anger like it was an innocent newborn left on the side of the road. Additionally, I understand that an apology can’t undo harmful actions however if done with genuine sincerity and effectively it can alter/lessen the negative impact and possible reactions caused by those actions.

Well that's my moment away from my busy world, I appreciate the time I can steal away and write something quickly and share. I pray it's a help to someone that takes the time out of their busy world to read. Oh....wait....what did you learn this week?

Challenge yourself

 

Where's the Balance?!

Like most parents I want the best for my children and  one of the ways I make that happen is to raise them "better" than the way that my parent raised me or is it?! At least you think that's what you should do because you owe it to them, right!? What does better look like? I mean what kind of person did you turn out to be? If you believe you are a good person then why should you alter the way your parents raised you? If you’re not a good person and blame your upbringing then how do you know what will be the “better way”?

I’ve talked to my sisters about this topic many times as we’ve shared what we thought were better paths for our kids. We all work really hard at making sure that our motherhood is beyond reproach. Sacrificing, giving loving, caring working, sharing, crying, if you can name it we put an “ing” on the end of it because we were doing it ALL!  We all have kids, or that one “special” kid, that has caused mental duress and emotional anxiety no matter what you’ve given or haven’t given. So my question to all you great parents is where’s the balance, the balance between giving too much and not giving enough? How do you know you aren’t spoiling your kid or being too hard on them? When does it become sheltering them or gets into over exposure?  Ok so if you were able to answer all of those here’s something else if you are into not being selfish and had more than one kid. Ok I’m slightly joking about calling you selfish for having one kid because I’m a bit jealous. J  For multiple children parents aka the real parents, if you’ve figured it all out how did you know what and when to alter certain variables for your other kids? I mean you do know that all kids need individualized custom made parenting? Ok here’s an example my first kid needed to be taught certain things that my second kid didn’t need me to teach her.  I had to teach my first kid how to be determined and go after what she wanted I didn’t have to teach my second kid that because she was born with it! On the other hand I did have to teach the second kid how to be kind and polite but the first kid was born with the sweetness of brown sugar in a pastry.

Ann Launders has a quote that says “It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” I wish like hell she had called me back in 1993 prior to September 17^th and told me that, granted Ann doesn’t know me but I’m still holding it against her. In my opinion this is indeed some of the most valuable information a mother (parent) needs to learn just as one learns how to feed their baby. I can admit I’m a mother that does everything for her kids and I now see as they are getting older that it’s not the best option. I always think about myself last so I can ensure all of their needs and wants are met, not that I’m regretting my choices.  As I’ve been evaluating my parenting style through assessing my kids attitudes about life,  having candid discussions with my adult child and just reviewing all aspects of parenting I find myself wondering where’s the balance?

My adult child shared with me that it would have helped her to have a smoother transition into adulthood had I allowed her to do more things herself as oppose to me doing everything. Such as taking her to pay bills with me instead of just telling her to prioritize and pay her bills first or giving her the opportunity to make her own appointments instead of just telling her how to and when to make appointments.  The funny part, not ha-ha but irony, I remember the panic I felt when her time to leave drew near and I knew she was unprepared so I decided to write a manual to life for her. It was one of her graduation gifts.  It was really quite lovely if I do say so myself, I created a cover and had it bound so it looked official. J  In it I wrote 10 chapters about the aspects of life I thought were most essential for her because I didn’t think she had a full grasps due to being so young. Of course this manual didn’t become a “jewel” to her until after she makes all of her “mistakes” per my oldest.  {picture insert of Pooh’s manual cover below}

 

Last year I felt like I should prepare my second daughter for her transition into adulthood, you know to get the head start I didn’t with my first kid however she’s been a bit resistant. She graduated almost a week ago and is scheduled to go live in the dorms for the full college experience. She’s still a bit resistant about it all though, I’m guessing she’s intimidated by it all but trying to get a teenager to share their inner feelings with a parent is like pulling wisdom teeth from a hungry lion without sedation, you just have to know some shit you just aren’t going to be successful in doing.  I know I’m not the only parent trying to reconfigure calculations while readjusting to all the pitfalls society continues to present. How can a parent know where the balance is?

I don’t have an answer, I’m sorry because I’m at the end of my blog time so I hate to leave you without one but if you have one please share with me and the others that read. Trust me they read I mostly get emails than responses which is fine. Sorry but duty as mom calls and I have to attend an award banquet for daughter #3.  

What I can share is this quote by another mom of 5, Joyce Maynard who states “It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”  I don’t know where the balance is but I do know that what helped me the most when I grew up is seeing what I wanted and what I didn’t want. My mom taught me things she didn’t intend to and I learned them through watching her mistakes like I watched her do good things. I kind of realized that even in all the things I do for them I have to not only teach them how to do it for themselves but DO the things I try to teach them to do. If I want them to be college graduates I should be one to encourage them, so I became one. If I want them to manage their money well then I should manage my money well so they can see the benefits of financial stability. How will I know if what I’ve done as a parent is enough, if it’s too much or if isn’t? I want all my kids to be their own kind of successful but most of all I want them to be good people with compassion for others, loving and being there for each other when needed. I want to make sure I achieve that more than anything else…..

Graduation for #2 My Furious Five

 

Sorry for typos....in my defense I was rushing!

Taking a Break before I Break!

I’ve had quite the overwhelming past couple of week! Whoever told you that living happy and free means everything will begin to always go your way is not the best advice giver. Now, I don’t think I’ve ever been told that by anyone however sometimes I get these real “Mary Poppins” type of ideas in my head, oh and by “Mary Poppins” I mean like all things will work out magically wonderful because you are being positive and making priority lists!  I guess it stems from the hope I have that makes me believe things will always turn out right because I’m consciously and proactively choosing to put forth my most positive effort as passionately as I know how. I mean when you give your all it’s supposed to, right?! So when things don’t work out the way that I THINK they should due to all my passionate and hard work, I usually spend more time than I need to trying to figure out why? Or I tend to go overboard and analyze everything I did and didn’t do to figure out how I could have done it better. It sounds exhausting and let me just say it IS!!

I’m far from perfect but I love to give it my all in hopes that the things that I do turn out "perfect". I believe that’s why I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. I’m in the midst of spring cleaning which includes finish decorating my room and remodeling my kitchen. I’m preparing for my own college graduation as well as my daughter’s high school graduation this also means prom preparations. In a three month radius an open house/cookout is expected and I won't bother mentioning my other three younger kids schedules I’m juggling like most working moms that are also pursuing  higher education while staying involved in their kids’ lives all before making sure dinner is served between 6:30-7pm nightly.

I sometimes become so focus that I fail to realize I’ve placed too many “irons in the fire” until it’s almost too late. I don’t always take the “break” necessary when I know I should, believing I have enough in me to just keep going and it will be “ok”. I won’t list everything that happened because for one it’s tedious and secondly I don’t like whining…..well too much anyway.  However I am sharing all of this to remind myself to “Live the Advice I give”! I have to allow myself to STOP and breath! Taking the breaks necessary to regroup doesn’t mean failure or that it will never happen. I also have to be OK with being human like everyone else……dammit! (Ok I just laughed at myself because I really need to start owning that I am.)

While I was preparing for the support group I facilitate, I was looking for something on managing stress and feeling overwhelmed. I came across this article below by Tanya J. Peterson on stress and anxiety. The article is so well written and has a few very helpful tips that can easily be applied to everyday living.  One of the tips she has offered is to make a “To Done List” which I actually do this however I use the word accomplished! I have always felt encouraged when I can physically see the fruits of my labor. I champion this suggestion because doing it always encourages me and feels like a “pat on the back”. I often have to remind myself to slow down and relax so not to become overwhelmed but there are times, like the last couple of weeks I forget. So I was reminded by my guy that “everything was going to be alright” during a time when my plans weren’t lining up the way that I wanted them to and now as I sit here processing last week and writing myself some affirmation notes, I came across this quote "Note to self: I don’t have to take this day all at once, but rather one step, one moment one breath at a time. I am only one person. Things will get done when they get done!” in other words DO what you can and let the rest……do what it do?!

I’m going to be a lot more proactive in living this advice I’m giving to you, so in the words of the wise-cracking Whitley Gilbert “Relax, Relate & Release”!

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2014/08/overwhelmed-by-stress-and-anxiety-how-to-deal-with-it/