Wednesday, March 9, 2016

What does surviving look like?

So back in 2012 I purchased me a new laptop for the purpose of having access to take some online classes.  After a great conversation during a performance evaluation with my boss I decided to try once again to pursue my undergrad degree. Like I've stated before I love learning new things and acquiring new skills so this gave me the opportunity to take the time to first begin researching best options on what to purchase. I also wanted to be sure I was getting quality not just a great price. I settled on what turned out to be a really good buy, I can say that now because had my funds been greater I would have invested in a MAC book but whatever.

I ran across this program in the photo gallery on my laptop which allowed me to create mini movies. I could gather photos, add songs, add text to sort of narrate, change transitions like in PowerPoint and best of all cut, splice and edit video to make it all one. I was in heaven!! This laptop had given me a nice little pastime so when I needed an escape I created a mini “movie”. Now I'm no Steven or Spike but I still love the work I put into the three I did, I shared with a few of those I knew wouldn’t mind me bothering them about viewing them.

The one below is probably the first one I did during a time when I was struggling with figuring out how to manage a household budget and everything that comes with maintaining a home on my own. I had to figure out a lot on my own however so much of my support and inspiration I received assisted me in my research and encouraged me to keep going. The songs are reflective of what I listen to a lot at the time and how I was feeling.

While reviewing the video last week, I decided to alter some of the words and quite a few of the pictures to reflect more of the happy place I’m in right now. This is mostly reflective toward the end where I’ve added what/Who I Love. I didn’t know three years ago I could be here; a couple of months away from graduating and entering into the next stage of my educational goals, loving a man who’s been a JEWEL of a friend and consistent source of spiritual and emotional support, living a life on my terms no longer anyone else’s.

Being able to survive a long painful divorce, character assassination, isolation and lies takes strength, perseverance and courage. I fought hard to get through more than just what was happening around me by others but the battle within me on how, when or should I respond. It wasn’t easy killing the anger, suffocating the bitterness and pushing pass but often losing to resentment. John Pavlovitz stated “If not your physical self, the much deeper one; the one you sit with in the quiet, the one who lays beside you in the middle of the night, the one who allows you to sleep, the one who sees into you and knows whether or not you did all that you could do to make this world less horrible while you were here.”  I knew in my heart where the real work was needed, the work that mattered, the work that would Free Me! I focus on my character because I wanted to be able to live with me when the dust settled. I liked who I was but I knew if I was going to Love me I was going to have to make some changes. I’ve embraced the new and allowed the old to move on, for me that’s what surviving truly looks like.

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