"Purple Monkey"

Purple Monkey

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” you know even as a young child I knew that this saying was full of shit. It’s truly just something parents tell children to soothe them instead of stating “there are some children in this world who are as ignorant as their parents and I’m sorry you’re hurting because of it.” I mean isn’t that just a little more comforting? Unfortunately, I was teased a lot as a kid for my lighter complexion, wearing glasses and having a bigger than average size forehead. The damage kids do to each other is pretty damn extensive and could take years to recover from but that’s another blog post so I digress. {picture below: me at about 7 years old}

One of the first life lessons I learned many years ago was that conflict resolution actually doesn’t have to involve physical contact, of course this was after I left Detroit. It wasn’t easy embracing this concept due to not learning what to do with feeling “punked” if I allowed someone to say something disrespectful to me and did nothing then I was being “punked”. If it’s one thing black people don’t like is feeling like they’ve been disrespected and looking like a “punk” but again that’s another blog so I digress. Then what is this blog about? Well I was placed in quite the quandary about two week ago and it made me think of the opening quote, hurtful name calling and feeling like a “punk”.   
 

The Incident - During what resembled a mindfulness exercise, I observed as a colleague (my practicum task supervisor) conduct a “grounding” exercise. The colleague stated “feel your surroundings without thought” speaking to the group and after a short pause he stated “think of your favorite animal”. A group participant broke the silence barrier by stating “oh I just thought of a monkey”. I thought it was odd he felt the need to share however, I overlooked the statement as just an outburst. The colleague then continued by stating “now think of your favorite color and favorite animal. Are they the same color?” The colleague took a slight paused then looked over in my direction, looked back and stated “Humph….I just looked at Latrice’s dress and thought “purple monkey”.  I froze internally as I tried processing what he just said….did he really just associate me with a “purple monkey”? I’m a black woman, he’s a white man why would he even think that would be appropriate to say in reference to anyone let alone to someone of African descent.  I retained my professional composure which helped me contain my emotions. I decided it would be best to address the situation instead of leaving the building with my emotions festering. I mentally took the time to calm myself so when I spoke I remain the professional Lady that I am and not the aggressive confrontational “set his ass straight” individual my anger was calling me to be.  After addressing my colleague about the incident, there wasn’t much resolve as a couple of his statements were condescending and he offered a meager apology. Granted I didn’t want him graveling on the floor begging for my forgiveness but a show of sincere remorse would have definitely defused the beast growing within. I probably should have referred him to my last blog on “disarming anger”.

The Aftermath - I experienced a few different emotions and did my best to process them all. I know that I can’t change what has happened but that hasn’t stopped me from wishing it didn’t happen. It was difficult for me to "get over" because the words hurt and the intent was to harm me mentally. I’ve only shared what transpired with those that are essential in the grievance and professional ethics process for my profession. I asked myself "why did the words hurt" I know  they were not true. The words hurt because someone took advantage of me in a vulnerable space by singling me out, embarrassing me and attempting to degrade who I am as a woman! The room was filled with all white men and I was the only woman and person of color. I often wonder why anyone feels the need to hurt others by name calling and I don’t see how that could truly satisfy the insulting individual. 

My Resolve – Thanks to my “thick skin” and excellent conflict resolution skills, I was satisfied with being able to swiftly address the individual in a professional manner which is more than he deserved. I was able to vent a little to my support system and filed the appropriate paperwork with his supervisor. This route gave me the power back he attempt to snatch away. I’m not here for any race baiting because in the end I know we all need each other! And besides there AINT a monkey alive that could look this damn good in a purple dress!! 

Disarming Anger

There was a friend I had on Facebook that would weekly post this question “What have we learned this week boys & girls?”  It became a favorite of mine and I looked forward to seeing it because it motivated me, to be sure I  learn something new no matter how great or small. I’ve since incorporated the question as an icebreaker from time to time during group sessions I facilitate. It’s a good way to encourage others to think beyond their norm and embrace the knowledge gained that week.

I felt like writing because I learned something through observing the physical impact of apologizing to someone sincerely that I never noticed before. I witnessed the tense and agitated demeanor the person initially presented toward me change into a calm relaxed and even softening after I sincerely apologized. Of course I know the basics of what an apology can do especially when it’s sincere and accompanied with humble non-verbal's. It wasn’t until about a few weeks ago I felt how disarming it can be to the offended which I was however this week I was the offender.  I’m sorry to report that I’m imperfect, I know it sucks to read because it sucks to admit. (ßok that was me being sarcastic)  Okay let me split this up because I was the offended a few weeks ago and the offender this week. I’m going to tell both situations from the short end of the stick, sort to speak….

The Offended

I was heated! I mean really angry and I remember thinking about all that I was going to say to set the offender straight! I mean I took time out to think of what to say, how I was going to say it, and what my response would be to several comebacks that the offender just may say in opposition. (I know I’m not the only one that does this) The time came and as I spoke to the one who offended me I began with two statements that lead into my rant. The offender did the one thing I did not prepare for and that was giving me an apology. It was clearly spoken, well stated without excuses nor any passive aggressive undertones. Just an “I’m sorry, I was wrong!” and what made it most effective is that the person rarely gave an apology without a “defeat”. I remember retelling this to my Guy and he asked me if I still said everything I had prepared? I simply asked rhetorically “how do you completely go off into a prepared rant after an apology?”

The Offender

I sat there with a million things running through my mind as I watched the person I disappointed find the words to say that they were disappointed with me. I could sense their agitation so I was sure to focus and listen intensively as they spoke. I felt awful that I caused the tension and placed the person in a position to have to address the issue. When it was my turn to speak all I had was “I’m sorry that I did that and placed you in this position.” It almost felt like time stop for a second like it does in the really innovative movie like “Inception” ….or maybe not. Maybe I just really liked the movie and wanted to reference it but anyway, I had a moment! I watched the person I just offered a heartfelt apology to, relax and completely change from having a highly irritated mood to showing compassion toward my humbled offering.

The relative importance of an apology I know is to mend and/or soothe something broken emotionally or mentally however one thing I’ve never taken the time to observe was the physical effect. I would also have to factor in that I’m in a place mentally that I’ve grown to nurture and embrace so that helps. I don’t think I've ever seen the benefits of choosing to be angry and vengeful whether an apology was rendered or not. Unfortunately during those times it didn't stop me from holding on to anger like it was an innocent newborn left on the side of the road. Additionally, I understand that an apology can’t undo harmful actions however if done with genuine sincerity and effectively it can alter/lessen the negative impact and possible reactions caused by those actions.

Well that's my moment away from my busy world, I appreciate the time I can steal away and write something quickly and share. I pray it's a help to someone that takes the time out of their busy world to read. Oh....wait....what did you learn this week?

Challenge yourself

 

Where's the Balance?!

Like most parents I want the best for my children and  one of the ways I make that happen is to raise them "better" than the way that my parent raised me or is it?! At least you think that's what you should do because you owe it to them, right!? What does better look like? I mean what kind of person did you turn out to be? If you believe you are a good person then why should you alter the way your parents raised you? If you’re not a good person and blame your upbringing then how do you know what will be the “better way”?

I’ve talked to my sisters about this topic many times as we’ve shared what we thought were better paths for our kids. We all work really hard at making sure that our motherhood is beyond reproach. Sacrificing, giving loving, caring working, sharing, crying, if you can name it we put an “ing” on the end of it because we were doing it ALL!  We all have kids, or that one “special” kid, that has caused mental duress and emotional anxiety no matter what you’ve given or haven’t given. So my question to all you great parents is where’s the balance, the balance between giving too much and not giving enough? How do you know you aren’t spoiling your kid or being too hard on them? When does it become sheltering them or gets into over exposure?  Ok so if you were able to answer all of those here’s something else if you are into not being selfish and had more than one kid. Ok I’m slightly joking about calling you selfish for having one kid because I’m a bit jealous. J  For multiple children parents aka the real parents, if you’ve figured it all out how did you know what and when to alter certain variables for your other kids? I mean you do know that all kids need individualized custom made parenting? Ok here’s an example my first kid needed to be taught certain things that my second kid didn’t need me to teach her.  I had to teach my first kid how to be determined and go after what she wanted I didn’t have to teach my second kid that because she was born with it! On the other hand I did have to teach the second kid how to be kind and polite but the first kid was born with the sweetness of brown sugar in a pastry.

Ann Launders has a quote that says “It is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” I wish like hell she had called me back in 1993 prior to September 17^th and told me that, granted Ann doesn’t know me but I’m still holding it against her. In my opinion this is indeed some of the most valuable information a mother (parent) needs to learn just as one learns how to feed their baby. I can admit I’m a mother that does everything for her kids and I now see as they are getting older that it’s not the best option. I always think about myself last so I can ensure all of their needs and wants are met, not that I’m regretting my choices.  As I’ve been evaluating my parenting style through assessing my kids attitudes about life,  having candid discussions with my adult child and just reviewing all aspects of parenting I find myself wondering where’s the balance?

My adult child shared with me that it would have helped her to have a smoother transition into adulthood had I allowed her to do more things herself as oppose to me doing everything. Such as taking her to pay bills with me instead of just telling her to prioritize and pay her bills first or giving her the opportunity to make her own appointments instead of just telling her how to and when to make appointments.  The funny part, not ha-ha but irony, I remember the panic I felt when her time to leave drew near and I knew she was unprepared so I decided to write a manual to life for her. It was one of her graduation gifts.  It was really quite lovely if I do say so myself, I created a cover and had it bound so it looked official. J  In it I wrote 10 chapters about the aspects of life I thought were most essential for her because I didn’t think she had a full grasps due to being so young. Of course this manual didn’t become a “jewel” to her until after she makes all of her “mistakes” per my oldest.  {picture insert of Pooh’s manual cover below}

 

Last year I felt like I should prepare my second daughter for her transition into adulthood, you know to get the head start I didn’t with my first kid however she’s been a bit resistant. She graduated almost a week ago and is scheduled to go live in the dorms for the full college experience. She’s still a bit resistant about it all though, I’m guessing she’s intimidated by it all but trying to get a teenager to share their inner feelings with a parent is like pulling wisdom teeth from a hungry lion without sedation, you just have to know some shit you just aren’t going to be successful in doing.  I know I’m not the only parent trying to reconfigure calculations while readjusting to all the pitfalls society continues to present. How can a parent know where the balance is?

I don’t have an answer, I’m sorry because I’m at the end of my blog time so I hate to leave you without one but if you have one please share with me and the others that read. Trust me they read I mostly get emails than responses which is fine. Sorry but duty as mom calls and I have to attend an award banquet for daughter #3.  

What I can share is this quote by another mom of 5, Joyce Maynard who states “It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.”  I don’t know where the balance is but I do know that what helped me the most when I grew up is seeing what I wanted and what I didn’t want. My mom taught me things she didn’t intend to and I learned them through watching her mistakes like I watched her do good things. I kind of realized that even in all the things I do for them I have to not only teach them how to do it for themselves but DO the things I try to teach them to do. If I want them to be college graduates I should be one to encourage them, so I became one. If I want them to manage their money well then I should manage my money well so they can see the benefits of financial stability. How will I know if what I’ve done as a parent is enough, if it’s too much or if isn’t? I want all my kids to be their own kind of successful but most of all I want them to be good people with compassion for others, loving and being there for each other when needed. I want to make sure I achieve that more than anything else…..

Graduation for #2 My Furious Five

 

Sorry for typos....in my defense I was rushing!