About year and a half ago, I sat my daughters down to have a
discussion. You see they’ve reached those possessed teenage years when the
hormones are unstable and the attitude ranges from “I hate you and I really
hate you”. Unfortunately for me the sweet days of watching one cry at the sight
of the other one leaving morphed into the melodramatic “I wish you would just
leave!” As a mom this was painful and exhausting to watch not to mention trying
understand it often escaped or frustrated me. Our family discussions often
assisted me as I practice being observant of the non-verbal displayed and
actively listening to what was being said by both hostile teens. The older one
of the two just wanted her space, have her own friends without being force to
drag her kid sister around, well at least that’s what my assessment was. You
know it’s easier to climb Mt Everest on the coldest day in swimwear than it is to
get a teenager to openly discuss feelings to a parent while appearing vulnerable
to siblings. I was also able to rely on my own experience as being an older
sister.
During our discussion when my youngest daughter spoke about
how much she missed her sister and she just wanted to be noticed in such
sadness, I couldn’t help but think about my own younger sister. Then suddenly I
didn’t see my youngest daughter crying with hurt feelings I saw my youngest
sister crying. I didn’t just feel the pain as a mother but I felt the pain of
my own mother. It was so odd but I decided to explore my thoughts and feelings
later so that I could handle what was before me. I was careful to relax my
speech so that I could comfort the youngest and try helping her understand what
her sister was going through without making her feel disregarded. (Geesh talk
about walking a tightrope) I also had to
make sure I wasn’t condemning to my oldest daughter because I did understand her
desire but I also wanted her to tap into her sensitivity and compassion. It was
quite the balancing act but during our resolution portion of the discussion I
made sure we reviewed old pictures which triggered happier memories when they
played together and it help them both to listen to each other, for
understanding. The pictures helped to soothe them both and I admit me too.
After assisting them in resolving their conflict, I decided
to call my mother and my youngest sister. I felt the need to apologize for
causing them both heartache. I saw for the very first time in my youngest
daughter that my sister wanted to be “noticed” and shown some compassion.
I identified the selfishness that I blindly cultivated at the expense of my sister's feelings much like my daughter was doing to her sister. Unfortunately for my sister and I, we didn’t have the guidance nor the knowledge on how to embrace
and express our feelings. My mother comes from an upbringing where expressing
how you feel wasn't really allowed, so feelings were often suppressed or masked as
something other than what’s truly being felt. In its place anger was displayed
instead of hurt, an attitude of disregard was being shown instead of sadness.
My mother didn’t have the skill set to identify these defense mechanisms so
there was no teaching or learning truly going forth to myself or my sister only
a “band-aid” method. You know, where you just cover up the wounds without
really treating the wound with Neosporin (knowledge) so there is no real
healing until years later.(hopefully)
The phone call with my sister lasted over 3 hours, I
literally talked and listened to my baby sister for the first time in a really
long time about our feelings, thoughts, ideas and past hurts. We were able to
openly share how we truly felt for the first time, accepting what we did and
didn’t do for each other. Being able to earnestly say “I’m Sorry” helped to
truly apply the “Neosporin” to old wounds. Please understand that through the
years we’ve supported each other like sisters are supposed to, we’ve gone on
trips and spent holidays together; however there was always an underlying
element not being addressed. In our three hour plus discussion I truly believed
we were both able to release so much of it and embrace where we were in life
continuously building and growing. Our strongest bond has always been our
weakness for a good laugh we’ve never had problems being silly together, cracking
jokes or enjoying a good laugh no matter what was going on in our lives. My
sister is hilarious to me, she has the craziest laugh ever and I love how we’re
able to talk about everything.
I love to witness strong genuine bonds between sisters that
are based on more than blood ties. Bonds that are built in difficult times, cemented
in loyalty, grow with encouragement and nurtured with respect and love. I
believe that women who are not biologically related know how to cultivate a
bond between each other by choice. It’s when you are related you have to learn
how to like the person you are told and in some ways condition to love. This is
why I appreciate my sister all the more NOW than I ever did before. We are
friends and I treasure our friendship like I treasure our bond as sisters. She is on
the brink of becoming a newlywed and to see her happily in love fills my heart
with joy! It’s good to see people happy but it’s something about seeing someone
you love and truly LIKE smile with happiness. She's her complete true self when she's with him and it's delightful to witness. I look forward to the days that my own daughters can truly appreciate each other and honestly like each other. I can see now why it meant so much to my own mother and why she usually has a ridiculous smile on her face when she watches us be silly together. I'm sure we'll have an awesome time together as we celebrate her nuptials adding to the wonderful memories and pictures we have.....this is one of my favorite pictures of us because it
embodies how we are when we are together. It also depicts how I want us to be
until the end of our days…..
Note: That’s our BIG sis with us, she’s a most ADORED part
of our lives and is usually among our shenanigans and great time together. (HUGS to my Sister-friend Leslie for capturing one of our many great LAUGHS together)
